You & I
by sunlitsadness
Summary: Jacob. I love him with a ferocity that I didn't realize I possessed. With an earth- shattering sob, I realize that this is why I have to let him go. My eyes blur with tears and the cool granite edge of the counter crumbles between my fingers. I know what I have to do. For Jacob. I have to leave.
1. Chapter 1: My mom?

"So, what do you want to do today?" Jacob asks, opening the passenger-side door of his Range Rover for me. It was a gift from my parents two years ago to replace his old Rabbit that finally broke down and was so far past fixing that even Jacob couldn't repair it.

I thought about his question for a second as I buckled my seatbelt. What did I want to do? I knew I could say just about anything and as always, he'd be game for whatever I wanted.

Well, with a few exceptions, I guess. Because when I said, "Cliff diving?" he wrinkled his nose and frowned uncharacteristically.

"It's a little cold for that today, Ness. Maybe if it's warmer we can go tomorrow. Seth's been dying to go, too."

"Okay, how about a hike? Up to the meadow?" I asked. I say _the_ meadow but really it's _our_ meadow. We came across it on a hunting trip a few years back; it's about eleven miles from Jacob's house. It's full of beautiful lilacs and honeysuckles, and absolutely stunning when the dawn hits it early in the morning. We're way past dawn now, but it'd be beautiful jut the same. We had our first kiss in that meadow.

"Sure," Jacob agreed, grinning. The engine purrs to life softly as he says, "You want to go by my house first? Billy would love to see you."

"Of course. I'll need to change, anyway." I frown, looking down at my clothes. Alice had dressed me, as she always does, and the intolerably tight skinny jeans and brown leather high-heeled boots were not exactly hike-friendly. "Alice cannot comprehend my need for comfort."

Jacob chuckles, "Which is why you keep backup clothes are in my closet?"

"Precisely." I say in a serious voice, intertwining my hand through Jacob's that rests on the middle consol.

"What time did your dad say they would be back?"

"Late this afternoon. But I don't have to be home until nine. Weren't you listening?" I teased lightly.

"I was. But then you walked in, looking absolutely stunning, and I couldn't hear the words he was saying anymore."

I rolled my eyes but pecked him on the cheek. "Nice save." My parents were going on an all day hunting trip to Canada with Rose and Emmett, leaving Jacob and I to do whatever we wanted. Not that that was much of a change from our usual doing whatever we wanted. The only difference was that now we didn't have to worry about anyone (my dad) keeping tabs on us.

We finish the twenty- minute drive in silence, not heavy or uncomfortable silence. Just the kind of silence that makes me love Jacob more; silence where nothing needs to be said, because you know the other person is so perfectly content to just have you there next to them. And I was.

We pull in front of the small red house, and I hop out before Jake even turns the ignition off. I race up to the small red house, cracking open the door whilst knocking lightly. "Billy?" I call as Jake walks up behind me, pushing the door the rest of the way open. "Dad?" he calls, louder than I did.

Billy rolls smoothly into the living room. "Hey guys, what are you kids up to?"

I walk up to meet him, leaning down and hugging him tightly. "Hi Billy."

"We're hiking." Jacob says, towing me by the hand down the hallway to his room.

"Seriously?" I sigh, entering his room. It's a complete mess. Clothes everywhere. Bed unmade. I glare at Jacob.

"What? It's not that bad."

"I cleaned this room two days ago."

"It's… not _un_ clean." He retorted. I rolled my eyes but couldn't help the small smile that turned up the corners of my mouth. I moved quickly, at an inhumanly fast past. In less than a minute I had made his bed, put all of his clothes in the dirty clothes hamper, and started a load of laundry.

"Thank you," he ran a hand through his hair, grinning sheepishly.

"No worries," I reached up and pecked him on the lips. "I'm going to change."

"And I should probably step out, right?" Jake sighs, feigning disappointment.

"I'm not going to make you," I tease, but he just grins and ducks out of the room, closing the door behind him.

I opened the bottom drawer of Jacob's dresser, which was I had claimed as my own for some of my clothes years ago. I was here all the time, this way I didn't have to pack a bag when I wanted to spend the day. I tugged off my boots and jeans, replacing them with black spandex leggings and tennis shoes. I pulled my sweater over my head, replacing my bra with a sports bra and then throwing on a grey t-shirt.

I pull my long hair up into a ponytail and I skip out of the room, running smack into Jacob's chest. "You're going to freeze." He immediately protests, eyeing my t-shirt.

"No I won't," I retort. "I'm bringing you with me for a reason. You're my own personal heater."

He chuckles and then adds sarcastically, "You mean you're using me for more than my good looks?"

My laughter harmonizes nicely with his as I catch a hoodie the throws my way. I pull it over my head without protesting; I _am_ a little cold already.

On our way out the door I call, "Good to see you Billy!"

Before Jacob shuts the door we hear, "Good to see you too Ness, have fun kids!"

We jog into the trees, a light drizzle beginning to fall. I move faster subconsciously, not immediately realizing I've initiated a race. Jacob makes his way in front of me little by little, and it's only moments before I break into a human-paced sprint. Which is still pretty fast, as much as I'm holding back.

Rain starts to fall steadily, dampening our hair and faces. We barely notice, both of us running and laughing and pushing to get in front of the other. We weave through the trees, moving slower than necessary, as to not leave each other behind. I think it's hilarious we both think that we're letting the other person win.

I turn to look at him, is radiantly white teeth contrasting vibrantly against his rich bronze skin. His face is moist from the light rain, but his glittering smile seems to light up the grey sky and dark trees behind him.

I pay the price for taking my eyes off of the ground when I end up face-first on the damp ground. "Ness!" Jacob's voice anxiously yells above my head. I sit up and he relaxes visibly when he sees that I'm laughing.

He chuckles softly. "Are you okay?" I nod, still laughing at myself. He grabs my hands and pulls me to my feet effortlessly. "What did you trip over?" he asks, picking moss from my hair.

My eyes go to the ground, searching for something to blame my stumble on. Seeing nothing, not even a branch, I mumble, "Um, my feet?" I feel blood rush to my cheeks, embarrassed.

"Like mother, like daughter." Jacob murmurs, taking my hand. We walk closely, our fingers intertwined, like he's ready to catch me if necessary.

Sadly, being graceful is not my forte. Usually I can pretend to be, but spend enough time with me and you're bound to see me face-plant at some point.

After walking and chatting for what felt like ever, we got to our meadow. The rain had let up into just a sprinkle and the sun started to peek out from behind the puffy grey clouds.

The flowers and tall blades of grass in the field shine like diamonds in the afternoon light. Or like my family's skin. As we step into the sun I look at my own skin.

It sparkles weakly: like a dull, cloudy crystal. I frown and look at Jacob. He's already staring. "What?" I ask, and he leans down, pulling my face closer to his.

"You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." He says seriously, as if he can sense my insecurity.

I shake my head slightly, opening my mouth to protest. Before I can his lips melt into mine, kissing me with an unbearable urgency. I kiss him back just as fiercely, intertwining my fingers into his damp hair.

I am so lost in his fervent kiss and deep black eyes that I barely notice when he unravels the big, flannel blanket that was tucked under his arm while we were walking. I pull him to the ground and we sit, our limbs tangled and our hands ensnarled in each other's hair.

Our tongues dance, our mouths moving perfectly in sync. We break away to breathe for a millisecond, and I pull his sweatshirt over my head, suddenly hot. I pull his face to mine again, pushing him back gently towards the ground. He lets me and falls back, taking me with him.

I help him pull his own sweatshirt over his head and I feel the kiss become slightly less urgent. He puts his hands on my shoulders and gently pushes me away. "Ness," he pants, breathless, "we should stop."

"Why?" I demand, catching my own breath.

"Your dad will actually and literally kill me. I may not live to see tomorrow."

"We don't have to let him dictate everything, Jake." I lay down beside him, laying my head on his chest.

"He's your dad. It's easier to not aggravate him. Like a bear."

"I've been fully grown for over a year. I'm an adult." I inform him, slightly frusterated. "I'm never going to get any more mature than I am right now, and it's not like I'm ever going to want to be with anybody but you."

Jacob says nothing; he lets me cool down. "Jake?" I whisper a few minutes later.

"Hmm?" He responds, eyes closed.

"Do you think we can have kids?"

He's quiet for a second and then his eyes open and he whispers, "I don't know, Ness. I really don't know."

"Would we try?" I breathe, almost afraid to hear his answer.

"Not unless we could guarantee your safety."

"But what if that never happens? I'm kind of unknown, Jake."

"Then we wouldn't chance it."

"Why not?" I demand, scared. Scared of what we don't know.

"Because I could never put you in danger like that." He says calmly.

I sit up. "You mean like my dad did?" I shoot back, frustrated that he's so calm. "They chanced it, Jake. And it all worked out okay."

He sits up too, a guarded grimace on his face. "No it didn't, Renesmee." Jacob never used my full name. He continues, the words coming faster and louder. "I have never seen Edward so hopeless. I watched Bella let herself wither away, and that was one of the most painful things I have ever been through. It was for your dad, too. I can't watch a girl I'm in love with do that to herself. Not again."

Anger flashes through me at his words; then confusion. Again?

Realization seems to slap Jacob hard, and he tries to backtrack. "I didn't mean that…that part… Er, I uh, I didn't mean that, Ness. I just meant—" He keeps babbling but I don't listen.

What did Jacob just accidentally tell me? I knew that my birth caused drama and fear, but the extend had always been withheld, and this new information hurt. I didn't know I had hurt my family as much as I did.

But Jacob's other words ring through my head _. I can't watch a girl I'm in love with do that to herself. Not again._

I got the first part just fine. What I don't get is the "not again."

Is he talking about my _mom_?

"Jacob," I cut him off as he helplessly attempts to cover up his words. "What did you mean, 'not again'?" I almost whisper, completely wary of his answer.

He sighs deeply, sitting down again. I can feel the anxiety radiating off of him as he motions for me to sit beside him. I sit cautiously, studying his face.

He takes my hands in his, and I'm not sure whose are trembling. Mine, I think. "Ness, you know that I love you," he says warily, "but there's something that we never planned on telling you—"

" _We_?" I squeak, interrupting.

"Yes, you're family and I." He continues impatiently. "It doesn't mean anything anymore, Ness. I swear-"

"Spit it out Jake. You're scaring me," I stare into his eyes intently, holding my breath.

He inhales deeply. "Before you were born, I thought that I was in love with Bella."

I freeze. I hear his words, but they don't make any sense. "What?" I ask, confused.

Jacob takes another deep breath. "It was before Edward and Bella got married, and she never felt the same way I did…."

He keeps talking but I stop listening. I stand, pulling my hands away from his. Jacob…. And my…. Mom? My _mother_?

I always knew they had a past and were close, but I didn't think...

Oh my god. I am in love with a man who was in love with my mother. I'm just the second best thing. A second-fucking choice.

Lost in my own thoughts, I didn't notice Jacob moving towards me until his big hands are on either side of my face. " Ness, please don't cry," he says nervously, wiping away a tear I didn't know was there. "I never wanted you to find out this way. It's really not as big of a deal as you think it is. Please relax."

" _Relax_?" I choke out, finding my words. "How can you expect me to relax? Can you not understand how weird this is for me? _My mother_ , Jake!" I scream in a strangled voice, jerking away from his touch. I force myself to calm my voice, "How could you not tell me?" I try to make the question as even and levelheaded sounding as possible, but it comes out like a distressed whisper. I back away from Jacob, my vision blurred with unshed tears.

Jacob's eyes bore into mine, pleading. "I didn't want to hurt you. You don't understand how long ago this was! It doesn't mean anything to anyone anymore. I am so sorry, Ness."

I have so much more to say; I have so many more questions, but my thoughts are too overwhelming to form into words. I can feel myself hyperventilating, and I can hear Jacob's voice in the background, but I can't focus on anything except for the image of Jacob, _my_ Jacob, with my mom. It's nauseating.

I need to get out. I need some time to think, and to decide whether or not I'm being ridiculous.

Still stunned, I pull my gaze from Jacob's tortured black eyes just as rain begins to fall. He takes a step toward me and I automatically take one back, throwing a glance over my shoulder to the path we came from.

I look to Jacob, who knows what I'm about to do but makes no move to stop me. Turning away from him, I run. I break into a full sprint, running at a faster and more supernatural pace than I ever have before.

I thankfully feel no pursuit behind me as rain falls steadier. I don't stop and the cold, fat drops soak me to the bones.

I make the eleven-mile run back to Jacob's in around nine or ten minutes. My cell phone and clothes are inside, but I don't dare go in. The last thing I want to do right now is have to explain to Billy why I'm here; alone, soaking wet, and crying.

I can feel confusing thoughts and questions gnawing at the corners of my mind, and desperate to escape, I make a mad dash for home. Home: which is quite a few miles away, I might add.

With every sprinting stride I push away the confusion; tears trail down my face as I blur past tall, green trees. At some point I trip, hitting the ground unreasonably hard. I twist to see what I tripped over and notice the tear in my leggings and the cut on my leg, which slowly oozes blood. Not to mention the mud now caked into my hair and clothes. Way to go, Ness.

I can't give my parents the child that they deserve to raise for the orthodox eighteen years.

I took my mother's mortal life.

I thought I could make Jacob happy, but I'll never be enough; I'll never be my mother. That's what he wants. He loved her; he'll never love me like that. I'm just the next best thing.

I curl into a ball on the green forest floor, sobs racking my chest. The sky cries with me, thunder rumbling in the distance.

I know, how self-absorbed. Believe me, I'm usually not one to engage in self-pity.

Even the green canopy of trees overhead can't protect me from the downpour. The afternoon is turning into evening, and I'm starting to get cold. I don't know what to do. I want to talk to somebody; I want to scream and yell at the top of my lungs about how shocking and fucked up this whole situation is. This morning I was the happiest person in the whole world. How did everything collapse around me so quickly?

I sit up and wipe away the raindrops from my tear-streaked face. I stare into the grey sky for a while, just thinking. I take a deep breath. It's time to go home before home comes to find me, like I know they will.

Probably looking like I've been lost in the woods for days, I walk home, confused and unbearably numb.


	2. Chapter 2: Never the Same

I walked dazed up to the main house, preparing myself for the onslaught of questions I would get from my family. At least my parents or Rosalie and Emmett aren't here.

The glass door swung open before I even touched it, and Esme stood in the doorway. Wordlessly, she held her arms open; I didn't hesitate to run into them. She embraced me tightly and I struggled to hold back tears.

I tried unsuccessfully to form words, but she quickly shushed me. "I know sweetheart, Jacob called." She whispered, rubbing small circles on my back. His name sent a stabbing ache through my chest; I pulled away from Esme. "Do you want to talk about it?" She asked sympathetically, holding me at arms length.

I shook my head once, a single tear running down my cheek. Esme led me through the doorway and I made a beeline for the stairs: wanting nothing more than to go up to my room. I actually wanted to go home to the cottage, but I settled for my room here, which was previously my Dad's room.

Alice blocked the stairway, a sad smile turning the corners of her mouth slightly up. Her narrowed topaz eyes studied my tear-stained face and wet hair before moving on to my damp, muddy clothes. She shook her head slightly and looped her arm through mine decidedly, towing me up the stairs.

No questions asked, which I was grateful for, my little aunt pulled me up to the bathroom across from my room. She sat me on the lid of the toilet and turned on the shower. Then she was a blur of motion, dashing into my room across the hall. I sat motionless, not knowing or caring what she was up to.

She returned and stood me up. "Your parents are on their way. They should be here soon. Are you going to be okay?" Alice asked, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. I nodded as reassuringly as I could, but couldn't bring myself to force a smile.

Before I realized what she was doing, Alice had stripped me of the wet, muddy clothes and pushed me into the steamy shower. I think I should have been mildly irritated with her assertiveness, but I wasn't. I was appreciative, because if she hadn't put me in the shower herself I would have climbed into bed fully clothed, muddy, and wet.

I sit on the granite floor of the familiar shower, letting the hot water cascade down my back. I keep my mind as blank as possible, not wanting to think. With my head between my knees I sit, motionless, until the water runs cold.

I turn the silver handle, shutting the shower off. My movements are robotic as I wrap a fluffy white towel that Alice had left folded neatly on the counter around my body. She also left my fluffy black robe on a hook on the door, which I put on.

I walk across the hall to the room, shutting the door behind me. Alice had left clothes out on the bed: grey sweats and a lilac-colored t-shirt. Thank you, Alice, for finally being reasonable.

Pulling the t-shirt over my head, I hear the front door open downstairs. I hear voices, far away but still clear. "Where is she?" Mom's voice demands, urgent.

"Bella, don't. She's very upset." Alice cautions hurriedly.

"That's an understatement." I hear Jasper retort. "She's in shock. Give her some time."

"I need to talk my daughter. If I could just explain," Mom continues. Explain what, Mom? That your portentous little secret is out?

"No, love. That will only make it worse." Dad reasons just as Rosalie mumbles something about "killing that moronic mongrel."

God, they all know. They all knew before I guess, but now it's just humiliating.

 _How could none of them have told me?_ How could they let me be nothing more than a plan B?

"I need to talk to her," Mom hisses anxiously. I hear her feet on the hardwood floor and I race to my door; I lock it, making a bigger show of that than necessary.

Her quick footsteps cease. A lock wouldn't hold off a vampire, but it sure does get a point across.

I'm not trying to be a bitch; I just don't think I could handle talking to her right now. I have a lot to take in. So sorting out my thoughts would be a smart, obvious thing to do.

So of course, I don't do that. I begin to cry, for the umpteenth time today.

I climb into bed and wrap myself in the fluffy white comforter, and I sob. I fall asleep eventually and don't wake up until eight-thirty the next morning.

There's a light rap on the door a few minutes after I open my eyes. "Renesmee? Baby? It's Mom. Can we talk?" I don't move a muscle. She leaves eventually. I know; I'm acting like a bitchy teenager. Bite me.

An hour later, another knock. "Renesmee, honey, I have a plate of food for you." It's Esme. I mumble a thank you, but that I'm really not hungry.

I don't leave the room all morning. I don't even unlock the door. I don't think. I read a little, not much.

Around one in the afternoon, Jacob comes. I smell him immediately as he enters the house. They speak so lowly downstairs that I only hear hushed whispers. This goes on for an hour before I hear his steady footsteps on the stairs.

I hold my breath as he knocks three times with a firm but light hand. "Ness? I'm so sorry about all of this. Can we talk, please?" His husky voice is uncharacteristically tortured and begging. I want to open the door, I want to hug him tightly and kiss him like I did yesterday. But I make no move.

Jacob sighs, and I hear his back slide against the door as he sits. "I brought your phone." He says, sounding more like himself. "Read all the text messages," he adds teasingly, hoping to get a rise out of me.

I say nothing; I don't move a muscle. "I know you're confused, but once you hear everything it's all going to seem way less weird. I mean, it will always be weird for you, but you'll see that things can go back to the way they were this time yesterday. I promise."

I find myself sitting with my back to the door just like he is, and I can feel his warmth even with two inches of wood door between us. "No, Jake." I whisper my first words in what seems like a long time. "Things will not be the same. Things will never be the same."

He says nothing, and to my disappointment, he stands up and walks back down the stairs. I really don't know what I was expecting him to do. Not walk away, at least.

My dad's voice surprises me. I didn't hear him coming up. He knocks once. I don't move. "Renesmee Cullen, open this door. I won't hesitate to break it down."

I sign, standing up. Are you alone? I ask him mentally. I can't talk to Mom or Jake right now.

"Yes, love. It's just me." His voice softens.

I unlock the door and cross the room quickly, burying myself in my bed. Dad opens it and shuts it behind him. I feel him sit at the foot of my bed, and when I don't sit up or uncover my face he lays down next to me.

I peek out to look at him. His arms are folded across his chest, his golden eyes already looking at me. I don't hesitate to scoot closer to him, laying my head on his chest and throwing an arm over his torso. He puts an arm around me, kissing my temple.

We lay in silence for a moment, and then I wordlessly lifted a hand to his face. I showed him everything that happened yesterday, minus the heavy making out, of course.

I studied his face for reaction, but he watching impassively. Then I showed him how confused and betrayed I feel, and he grimaced at that. I finished and pulled my hand from his face. Reliving the past day triggered the emotions I've been avoiding, and a fat tear rolls down my cheek.

"What do I do, Daddy?" I whisper.

He wipes the tear from my face with his thumb. "You need to look at this from another perspective. Like Jacob's. Then decide what it is you want."

"I want everything to go back to the way it was." I say honestly.

"Then believe me when I say that hearing what you're mother and Jake have to say about this is worth it."

Really? Dad has never exactly been thrilled with the idea of Jacob and me together… I'm not really sure about it myself anymore…

"No," Dad interrupts, "I'll never want anyone to take you away from me," he smiles gently, tucking a curl behind my ear. "But you could do worse." I can't help but smile. Then he adds with a slight grimace, "And he loves you more than anyone else ever could."

Wow. I never thought I'd see the day when my Dad tolerated, let alone _endorsed_ my relationship with Jake.

"Me neither." He mumbles, pulling himself off of the bed. He stands and offers me a hand. I take it and he pulls me to my feet effortlessly. "You'll let Mom and Jake explain?" He asks, almost pleading.

 _Yes, Dad. You already knew you would convince me_. I sigh mentally.

"Yes, I did." He pulls open the bedroom door, looping an arm around my torso as he guides me to the stairs. "I was so confident, in fact, that I already sent your mom and Jacob to the cottage. I told them that I'd send you their way promptly enough."  
Alone?

"Yes, we though it would be better for you to talk to them alone… But I can come if you need me to."

"No," I verbalize as we walk an a human-pace down the stairs together. "That's okay, Dad. I'll be fine."

"She's alive," Emmett chuckles as he pulls me from my dad into a bear-hug. "You scared us, Ness." He murmurs into my hair. "Do you know how hard it is to scare a house full of vampires? Pretty damn hard."

"I'm sorry," I said, and really was. They had dealt with this a long time ago; it's not their fault that it's shocking to me.

Rosalie pulled me from Emmett's grasp. "Are you okay sweetie?" she asks, pulling me close.

"Just fine. Really." I assure her. She pulls away, placing her perfectly manicured hands on either side of my face.

Her beautiful face studies mine, which is depressingly ordinary by juxtaposition, and she gently kisses my forehead. "You don't have to listen to anything that mongrel has to say, sweetheart. You don't have to take him back. But that being said, hear your mother out, at least. She deserves that, and she deserves your understanding. Okay?"

"Okay, Rose. I'm going to listen to _both_ of them. Judgment- free."

Emmett budded in, "This is some freaky shit for you to find out about, huh? Sorry we didn't tell you sooner, Nessie. It was better to be kept under the wraps, until Jake screwed up."

Dad shot Emmett a shut-the-hell-up kind of look and said, "I think that's enough family advice. Head on over to the cottage; I'll let them know you're coming." I nodded in agreement. "I'll be here if you need me." Dad assured as I ducked out the door.

I walked slower than necessary to the home I grew up in, preparing myself for this most likely awkward conversation.

It took me a little less than ten minutes walking. I wandered up the pathway to the house and couldn't help but notice when the familiar voices inside abruptly ceased.

Mom opened the door before I reached it. She looked hesitant so I deduced her awkwardness and uncertainty by pulling her into a tight hug. "I'm sorry, Mom." I whispered, and meant it. I do, however, believe I had a right to be mad.

She hugged me fiercely, whispering back, "No, baby. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry we didn't tell you everything."

"Anything," I corrected, bitterness evident in my voice. Jacob walked up slowly behind Mom as I pulled away from her.

"Hey Ness," he murmured, not sure how I felt about him. I still needed answers, but that didn't change the fact that I loved him. I stepped around Mom to hug him. He seemed stunned at first by my touch, but within a second he wrapped his arms around my torso.

It felt right. It felt relieving. Like my skin was craving his touch so desperately after having not seen him for a while. It was only a day, but it felt like so much longer.  
"I'm sorry," he whispered into my hair, "I love you so, so much. I never meant to hurt you."

"I love you," I assured him, but I know he could hear the thin layer of doubt coating my voice. "But I need answers."

"And you'll get them," he promised. "We'll tell you whatever you want to know."

"Okay," I sighed, looking between him and Mom. "let's get this over with."


	3. Chapter 3: Explanations and Bonfires

"Okay, wait a second." I sigh, running a hand through my hair. "So, you never dated?"

Mom and Jake don't hesitate to answer, "No."

I sigh, exceptionally uncomfortable. We sit in the living room of the cottage, fireplace on, rain pouring outside.

I sit across from both of them; Mom looks as uncomfortable as I feel, but Jacob is totally at ease. His eyes are calming, his gentle smile reassuring.

I look down at my hands in my lap as I say, "But Jake, you wanted to?"

He then sighed deeply. He looked like he was going to lie, but he knows I can read him like a book. "Yes," he said the word through clenched teeth, but his calm demeanor was still present.

Mom said nothing, which seemed uncanny, considering she had done most of the speaking for both her and Jacob in the twenty minutes we've been talking. In those short twenty minutes, they told me everything. From the very beginning: from the first conversation they ever had, to when Dad left Mom, to when Jacob became a wolf; they told me everything.

"But it never happened, which is all that matters." Jacob added quickly, his voice still even.

"But you wanted it to." I repeat, his coolness starting to get on my nerves. I stand abruptly and turn away from them. Jacob stands with me; I walk to the window seat and sit to watch the rain tickle gently down the glass.

I sense Jacob behind me; my mother slips out the door. I guess she decided she had done her part. Which, in all fairness to her, she had. She told me everything she could. It's on me to accept it.

"Ness," Jacob sits beside me, taking my hands in his. "It was always you."

"What do you mean? I wasn't even a thought yet, Jake. I was nothing, and you were chasing after my _mother_. You were trying to break up my _parents_."

He's silent for a moment. I try to pull my hands away from his but his grip tightens. "You have to believe me. I didn't give up on Bella. She broke me; she hurt me so many times. And I knew I should give up. I knew she would pick Edward, but I never stopped hoping."

"Jake," I sigh, trying to stand up. He doesn't let me go. I look out the window, not wanting to meet his sad eyes.

"No, listen. I never gave up on her because I couldn't. There was always something pulling me to her. Something telling me to stay close, even though I knew I should run." Jacob cups my cheek with his hand, gently lifting my head so I have to look at him.

"It was always, _always_ , you. Even then." He vows, his eyes pleading.

"The imprint…" I wondered, thinking aloud.

"Yes," Jacob admits, cracking a small, relieved smile.

The logic of the imprint helps me wrap my head around all of this much, much easier. I guess you could call me a realist, which is ironic considering the situation that is my life.

"Is this as weird for you as it is for me?" I ask with a lighthearted laugh, relieving tension.

"Yes." Jake chuckles, his laughter harmonizing beautifully with mine.

Realizing how good this feels, and how much I've missed him, I find myself saying, "Can we just forget about this? Please? Can we go back to the way things were?"

He flashes his perfect white smile, and I swear it lights up the whole room. I pull him to me, crushing my lips against his. His mouth molds to mine effortlessly. He runs a hand through my hair and lets it rest on my lower back, pushing me closer to him.

I pull away, needing air. "So, we're good?" Jacob asks, visibly more relaxed.

"Yeah," I say, running a hand through his black hair. "We're definitely good."

He grins wider and takes his phone out of his pocket, checking the time. "Do you want to get out of here? There's a bonfire tonight, if you want to go. Or we can skip it and do something else."

"Sure, I'd love to." I say, and it's true. It's been a while since I saw the whole pack.

"Great. It's just the pack and some imprintees," he says and I laugh when he uses my made-up word for the packs' imprints.

"Let me change first," I mumble, looking down at my sweats. I dash into my room, throwing on the first pair of skinny jeans I see and pulling on a black windbreaker. "I'm ready." I announce, tugging on brown leather boots.

Jake hands me my cell and we walk out, not bothering to lock the front door. No one in my family ever locks anything.

We begin on the vague pathway that leads to the main house; Jacob's warm hand is wrapped around mine. The short walk is completed in silence; nothing needs to be said. And everything feels… right.

The big house comes into view; I can feel Jake's hesitance as we approach the front door. I squeeze his hand reassuringly, pushing the door open.

"I'm home," I greet no one in particular, and before I can blink, Rosalie flits into the room.

"Hi sweetheart." She smiles sweetly at me, kissing both sides of my face. Her flawless features morph into a malicious glare when she looks at Jacob, and she leans in close, viciously whispering to him, "You imprudent mutt. How could you hurt her like that?!"

Jacob stares unmoving, his face remaining neutral. "I know, Blondie. I screwed up." This takes Rosalie, and me, by surprise. Jake would usually take any opportunity to pick a fight with Rose.

"Don't do it again," she snaps, her brow furrowing.

Emmett comes up behind her, wrapping his arms around her torso. "See Rose? Our Nessie is fine. Jake put her back together." Emmett says, winking at me.

"Thanks Em," I roll my eyes lightheartedly, pulling Jake into the kitchen. Mom and Dad stand behind the island with Esme. They stand somewhat warily, eying Jake and I, and our connected hands.

"So, you guys are good?" Mom asks, cracking a smile.

"Yeah," I can't help but smile as I nod at her. "We're good."

She tackles me with a hug, her stone body slamming into mine almost painfully. "Thank god. I'm sorry. I would have felt so bad if I ruined everything for you guys," Mom blubbers nervously and I pat her back soothingly.

"It's okay Mom. It all worked out." I assure her, looking past her shoulder at Dad for help. Her hug is crushing me.

Dad pulls Mom off of me, saying, "Bella, love, it's fine. They're happy."

"You have no reason to be sorry, Bells." Jake adds.

"I know, I just do." She leans into Dad and they kiss.

"Okay, we're leaving!" I announce loudly, theatrically throwing a hand over my eyes to avoid having to watch my parents practically swallow each other.

"Where are you going?" Dad demands, pulling his eyes away from Mom.

"Bonfire," I sigh, hoping he doesn't object. _It's just a bonfire, Dad. That's okay, right?_

"Yes, love. Thank you for asking."

I skip across the room and kiss him quickly on the cheek before making a beeline to the front door, pulling Jake behind me.

"Jake," Dad calls and we turn. "I want her home at eleven."

"Dad!" I whine at the same time Jacob complacently retorts, "She'll be ten minutes early."

Their competitiveness over absolutely nothing is absurd. I look to Mom for help. "Midnight." She whispers, winking at me, and I smile gratefully. Dad looks like he's going to object but says nothing.

Alice suddenly flits past me with a vase in her hand, stopping briefly to hug me and look over Jake and I. "You could have done worse." She says with an approving smile and I honestly don't know if she's talking about Jacob or my outfit.

We make it out the door finally, hearing several _Have fun_ 's and _Be safe_ 's as we close it. We share a wide-eyed look and a laugh as we make our way to Jake's car.

I hop in and decide to ask the question that has been on my mind since I was invited to the bonfire. I buckle my seatbelt, asking as casually as possible, "Will Leah be there?"

Jacob sighs, "Most likely."

I nod slowly, not showing how uncomfortable this makes me. To keep it short and sweet: Leah hates me with every fiber of her being. Why? An excellent question, to which the answer has never been provided. At least, not to me.

After a few moments of driving in silence, Jacob blurts, "She doesn't hate you."

"Yes, she does. You know she does."

Silence.

"No one could hate you."

I scoff, "She sure found a way."

More silence.

"She'll be nice." Jacob promises, taking my hand from my lap. He brings it to his mouth, kissing each of my fingers.

I squeeze his hand, resting our tangled fingers on the consol. I can deal with Leah. For Jacob, at least.

We pull up to Sam and Emily's house on First Beach. It's fairly new; they had moved in about three years ago. It was a small, three- bedroom house that they had bought when they got married. I looked around eleven or twelve at the time, I remember. It was a tiny little wedding, only the pack and imprints attended.

The house is grey on the outside, with rows of vividly colored flowers Emily had planted. The inside is a beige color that I had helped her paint last summer. I was only a month away from my seventh birthday, only a month away from being fully matured. Jake and I had gotten into a paint fight, I remember. We were laughing in hysterics, painting the walls with our hands. We weren't a couple yet, but I know now that I was already in love with him. I smile at the memory, but I snap out of it when I hear Jacob's knuckles rapping loudly on the door.

The air outside is crisp with the chill that comes with late September and I shiver as the wind blows. Jacob tightens his arm around my waist just as the door swings open.

"Jacob! Nessie!" Emily says excitedly and throws her arms around both of us. Her smile is bright and cheerful, contrasting nicely with her copper skin.

"Hey Em," Jake hugs her back, as do I.

An oven timer beeps obnoxiously and Emily hurries back into the house. "Come in, everyone's in the living room!" She calls over her shoulder, rushing through the foyer.

Jacob's arm still holds me close to him as we follow Emily but make a left before the kitchen, entering the bright living room, full of booming laughs and deep voices.

The small living room is at maximum capacity, full of familiar faces. On the long, leather couch I see Seth. Sitting next to him is Leah and Quil; little Claire sits on Quil's lap, giggling about something.

Embry leans against the wall in the far corner, deep in conversation with Sam. Jared, Kim, Collin, and Brady sit at the large wood dining room table; Collin and Brady meticulously engaged in an arm-wrestling match.

Seth sees us first, breaking into a grin and then standing. "Hey Nessie!" Jacob lets me go as I step forward to meet Seth, who wraps his arms around my torso tightly and spins me in a circle.

"Hey Seth," I say in between bits of laughter. He sets me down just for me to be spun around again by Embry.

"I didn't know we were expecting the Loch Ness Monster this evening," Embry teases and I hug him back tightly. "I didn't know either. I like to keep people on their toes. Myself included." I inform him, feigning seriousness.

He rolls his eyes lightheartedly and we laugh. I'm close to Embry, almost as close as I am to Seth. Nowhere near Jacob, nonetheless.

I hear Jacob's deep chuckle behind me and I turn to see him holding a giggling Claire. Claire is ten now, she and I had been playmates for a brief period years ago when we had looked the same age, but I quickly outgrew her. I still saw her often, usually whenever I saw Quil.

I hug Quil next, and then Claire squeals, "Nessie!" and leaps from Jacob's arms to mine, surprising me. Though I'm not all that much bigger than she is, I catch her without hesitating and hold her weight effortlessly. "Hey Claire-Bear," I match her excited smile and kiss her forehead.

"Nessie!" she says again excitedly. "Guess what happened yesterday at school?" The little girl is so enthusiastic she's practically jumping in my arms.

"What happened?" I demand back, forcing as much anticipation into my voice as possible. Quil and Jake chuckle at my performance, and I notice the cheerfulness on Quil's face as he observes Claire's excitement.

Claire seems to appreciate my theatrics and continues eagerly, "A boy kissed me at recess."

My smile fades, I shoot Quil a look. Jacob's face, too, has fallen, but Quil seems unfazed. Claire must have already told him this. I'm not sure how to respond, but Quil gives me an encouraging nod.

"Oh really?" I ask her, trying to seem excited for her. "What's this boy's name?"

"Colton," Claire continues, "he's in the fifth grade."

"Oh yeah?" I smile, "an older boy?"

Her little face blushes. "Yeah,"

"C'mon Claire-Bear," Quil holds out his hand and Claire takes it as I set her on her feet. "Let's go see if Emily needs any help in the kitchen."

I take Jacob's hand and whisper lowly, "That doesn't worry Quil?"

Jake knows what I'm talking about immediately and whispers back, "Sure it does. But it's not like he can do anything about it."

I nod in agreement, feeling bad for Quil. He was going to be stuck as Claire's big brother for a long time.

"Okay guys," Sam booms, walking in from the kitchen. "Em made pizza so eat up." Several whoops and cheers are heard throughout the room. Food is so exciting to this group of people. "The sun will set soon and then we'll get the fire started."

The seven pizzas Emily made are devoured quickly. We sit at the dining room table; Jacob sits on my left, holding my hand under the table. Eating with one hand doesn't seem to slow him down; I watch him scarf down seven slices before I can finish one. Jared sits across from me, and I'm pretty sure he ate a whole pizza.

"I'm going to help with the fire, okay? I'll be back in a sec." Jacob says in my ear and pecks my lips before he stands and follows Embry and Sam outside. Emily slides in next to me, a piece of pizza in hand.

"Hey Ness," she smiles brightly.

"Hi Em. Good pizza," I tell her and she laughs.

"I could have used dirt instead of flour and they would have devoured it."

I laugh with her in agreement. Leah, who sat next to Jared across the table, stands abruptly, rolling her eyes at me theatrically and turning away.

Seth witnesses this and sits on the other side of me, sliding an arm over my shoulders. "Sorry about her. Don't worry about it, Ness."

"Why does she hate me?" I ask no one in particular, probably louder than I should have. Emily and Seth share a look, but no one says anything. I stand with a huff, irritated. I walk outside to see some of the guys proudly standing around a blazing fire.

I join Jacob, leaning into him and he loops his arm around my torso. "Nice fire," I say approvingly.

"Yeah, we know." Embry smirks, smugly, staring into the flames.

Within ten minutes everyone is sitting on large pieces of driftwood around the fire. Emily brings out mugs of hot chocolate and coffee. Leah and I are the only ones to take coffee. Don't ask why this bothers me, but it does.

I can feel her eyes on me from across the fire, and I try to avoid her stare. This is weird. Usually she just ignores me.

"Where are Paul and Rachel?" I ask Jacob, trying to distract myself from Leah.

"They went house hunting," Jacob tells me, a slight bitter edge to his voice. I knew Jacob had never been thrilled about his sister and Paul together, and I probably should have known better than to bring it up. I just needed a distraction. "They're not even engaged yet," Jacob continues, rolling his eyes. "And Dad will miss having her around," he trails off, sighing. "I don't want to think about it," he says honestly, rubbing his neck.

"Sorry I brought it up," I say, cupping his cheek with my hand that he's not already holding.

He just shrugs, pulling me closer. "Nothing I can really do about it, I guess. I should probably grow up." He chuckles softly. "I love you," he says suddenly, tucking a curl behind my ear.

I don't hesitate in my response. "I love you more." I promise, my voice low.

He runs a hand through my hair and kisses me gently and quickly. Out of the corner of my eye I see Leah brusquely stand up, ceasing her conversation with Brady.

Conversations fade out as everyone turns to Leah. She stands, absolutely seething as she stares across the fire at Jacob and I. But after several beats of silence I realize she's glowering at _me_ in particular.

I shrink back under her intimidating glare; Jacob's arm tightens around me. " _What_ is your _problem_ , Leah?" Jacob demands, standing. I stand too, but he pushes me behind him. I peek around him and see why; Leah is trembling violently.

"Leah?" Seth says, puzzled.

"Leah, calm down." Sam barks.

Jared says her name softly, pulling on her arm. It's obvious she's staring at me, and Brady and Quil move from their seats to my right to stand behind me, flanking Jacob.

Leah jerks away from Seth and Jared; she barks a bitter laugh, "Oh please! Like you need to protect her from me! Quil, you should be protecting your little imprint from _her_! I'm sure the vamp is _dying_ to sink her teeth into Claire," Leah spits the words, venom dripping from every syllable. The words sting, I have to admit.

I'm not the only one momentarily stunned into silence by her harsh words. " _Leah_?" Seth asks softly, shocked.

After a beat, Jacob recovers. I feel him shudder slightly, and he clenches his hands into fists at his sides. He takes a deep breath, squeezing my hand to let me know he's okay. "That was a really shitty thing to say Leah."

"I don't care!" She yells, throwing her hands in the air. "I couldn't care less about offending the vampire crossbreed!" She shrieks, and I think it's odd that it's refuses to say my name. Like she can't acknowledge I'm a person. Her eyes corner in on me again. "You're a mistake! In some unfathomable way, you've managed to be even _more_ useless than a vampire!" I cringe, my vision blurring.

"That's enough Leah!" Sam and Seth bellow in unison, both shocked by her words.

"Don't talk to her like that," Jacob growls warily. I can feel the rage radiating off of him as he trembles, clenching and un-clenching his fists, over and over again. "Go Leah!" he barks. "Take a walk! Just leave," his eyes are pleading.

Seth holds Leah's arm, but she pushes him away to yell back, "Fight me, Jacob! Phase right now and fight me!"

"No, Leah. Calm down and apologize. I'm not going to fight you." Jacob says through clenched teeth, shaking uncontrollably. He lets go of my hand and looks at me helplessly before shooting Embry a look. Embry nods and takes my hand, pulling me backwards, away from Jacob. I let him, shocked by the scene playing out before me.

Leah and Jacob stand, glaring at each other, both trembling and close to phasing. "Of course you won't fight me. You're such a _Cullen_." Leah spits, shaking her head.

Jacob comes very close to snapping, I can see it in his eyes. But before he does Leah takes off running, phasing when she hits the dense trees. I don't think; I run. I jerk out of Embry's hold and break into a sprint, weaving around dumfounded boys. I want answers; I want to know what the hell Leah's problem is with me.

"Renesmee!" Jacob yells, trying to grab me by the arm. I dodge him, only to have Seth's arms catch me by the waist.

"Let me go!" I shriek, trying to pry his hands apart.

"She's too upset! She could hurt you," Seth yells back, his grip only tightening.

"Jacob!" I scream and Seth releases me into Jake's arms. Tears stream down my face and Jacob's trembling fingers wipe them away.

"Let her cool down, Ness. It's not your fault." Jacob assures me, kissing my head as his arms tighten around me, making it clear I wasn't going anywhere.

"Please, let me go. I need to talk to her, I need to know…" I cry, attempting feebly to break Jacob's hold on me.

"Nessie, stop. I'm not letting you chase after her. No way."

I turn to look at him, "Don't you trust me?" I ask, my voice small.

His face softens. "Of course I trust you. I don't trust her," he hisses the last word.

"Someone needs to go after her," I insist. "And I can take care of myself. Please?"

Jacob looks to Seth, who shrugs. "Leah won't hurt her, Jake. Let her go."

Jake looks next to Sam, who simply nods. He releases me, defeated. "I'm coming after you in twenty minutes. Be careful; don't push her."

I nod, kissing Jacob full on the lips before I pull away and break into a sprint.

I run as fast as I can into the darkness, chasing the scent of a potentially dangerous and definitely spiteful Leah Clearwater.


	4. Chapter 4: Losing It

"Leah?" I call loudly into the darkness before me. I tilt my head and listen- all I can hear is the crash of the ocean and the whisper of wind in the hundreds of trees surrounding me.

Leah's scent slightly shifted a few meters back, giving away that she was human again. "Leah? I just want to talk." I say quieter, with a gut feeling that she can hear me.

A twig cracks behind me; my head snaps in that direction. I see her tall, lean shape behind a layer of thick pine trees before her scent hits me. "What the hell do you want?" She spits the words angrily.

"To talk." I repeat casually, taking a seat on a fallen evergreen. My nonchalance seems to relax her the way I hoped; she steps out from the tree line. Her pretty features are harsh, even in the glow of the moonlight.

"What makes you think I have anything to say to you?"

"Well, you seemed to have a lot to say _about_ me this evening. Or actually, _yell_ in front of everyone. What the hell was that about, Leah?" I ask, keeping my voice low.

She scoffs, "Please. I did a lot more damage to my reputation than yours." She shakes her head. "They all defended you, the way I knew they would."

I almost disagree with her, but I don't know what I would say. They did all protect me.

"Why the hell did you follow me? Why did anyone let you?" She demands, disbelieving.

"Because I need some answers. And I told them that I trusted you."

She looks at me like I'm insane. She barks out a laugh, "You trust me? Did I not make it blatantly clear that I hate you?"

She turns away and I know she's about to take off. "Leah, please?" I whisper, squeezing my eyes closed. I do that when I get frustrated.

She freezes. "I need answers, Leah. Please. Just tell me what I did to deserve this, and I'll leave you alone."

"You really don't know, do you?" Her confused voice booms like thunder.

"No." I promise, looking into her dark eyes.

She sighs and walks towards me. I scoot over on my log, patting the spot next to me. Looking mildly disgusted but seeing no other option, Leah sits next to me. We're five six feet apart still, but it's the closest I've ever been to her.

Her black eyes meet mine as she sighs. "Why don't you hate me? You know how I feel about you."

"Well don't get me wrong, I don't particularly like you." I said honestly and she laughs softly. "But other than hating me with your entire being and some harsh words, you never gave me a reason to despise you."

She's quiet for a long time. For three minutes the only sounds are our heartbeats and the ocean, along with a few crickets.

And then Leah speaks; her voice is so low I don't think a human could have heard. She avoids my eyes as she gazes up at the sky.

"You took him from me."

I blink. _What?_ "What?' I choke out, confused.

She sighs again. "I watched your mother torture him for a long time. Jacob thought he was in love. But Bella didn't want him like that; she loved Edward, even though he was gone. And Edward came back, they got engaged, and Jacob started to finally give up on her. She broke him so many times. And I was prepared to put the pieces back together. But then you came along."

I gaped at her, too stunned to speak. I have never even spoken to Leah this long, let alone see her raw, vulnerable emotions.

Her dark eyes lowered to the ground. Her voice came out again in a low whisper, "I loved him, Renesmee. He could have been mine. And you took that from me."

I'm having trouble comprehending the fact that she even said my _name_ , so her words make almost no sense.

Before I can form a coherent thought, she stands and faces me square on. Her disposition has abruptly changed as she towers over me, her dark brown eyes full of rage and unshed tears. "I could have made him happy but by some sick, twisted irony he imprinted on _you_! You aren't even the same _species_!" She shrieked, her face inching closer to mine.

Refusing to let her intimidate me, I stand so my face can be equal to hers. I look into her eyes with empathy. "I'm sorry." I say sincerely, my voice low. "I am so sorry, Leah. I had no idea."

"I don't want your sympathy." She spits, turning away from me snappishly.

I threw my hands up into the air helplessly. "What do you want from me then Leah? I'm sorry that you feel this way because of me, really I am. I feel awful about it. But I don't know how you want _me_ to fix this. I didn't choose this, Leah."

She has her arms crossed over her chest like a stubborn child as she stalks forward toward the vast ocean below us. She sits on the cliff side, pouting or reflecting, I cannot tell.

I use the undetermined amount of time before she verbally assaults me again to think about what she said. Did I, an unknowing newborn, take Jacob away from a potential future with Leah?

I don't know; but in all reality, Leah would have been better for Jacob. Healthier. As much as I hate to admit it, she could give him so much more than I can.

After a few minutes I break the heavy silence. "I _am_ sorry that this is how you feel, but I truly, honestly, don't know what it is you expect me to do. I love him, Leah."

"I don't know either," she admits with her back still to me. "I don't doubt that you love him, but _you_ can't doubt that I could be better for him than you are."

"I know, Leah."

My answer seems to take her by surprise. But instead of taking my surrender and admittance gracefully, she kicks me while I'm down. "Can you even give him a family?"

I don't say anything.

"And you're going to make him stay frozen in time with you. Forever. You're never going to let him move forward, are you?"

I dig my nails into my palms.

"And make him deal with your clan of leeches? Fuck, are you going to give him anything? I don't even recognize him anymore; you're turning him into a fucking bloodsucker."

Something inside of me snapped; I squeezed my eyes shut, using every fiber of my being to not launch myself at her. I have taken one low-blow after the other, but I won't let her speak about my family that way.

Suddenly I can feel her hot breath on my face and I open my eyes to see her tall figure before me, trembling wither rage. "Leah," I say warily but she goes off again, her voice a threatening whisper.

"How can you live with yourself knowing that you're forcing a life on Jacob that he never asked for? How can you love him knowing that he could be so much happier if he weren't trapped with you? That's all it is: he's stuck with you because of the imprint. That's it, and that's why you don't deserve him."

I lose it. Tears of rage blur my vision as I shove Leah backwards, hard. "How could you be so cruel Leah?!" I yell as she stumbles back a few steps. I make no attempt to filter my words before they leave my mouth in a strangled sob, "For _years_ I was convinced that I must have done something horrible to deserve your hatred, but no: you're just a _bitter_ , _jealous_ _bitch_."

When I finish, venom dipping from the words, Leah's violent shaking intensifies beyond what I would have thought possible, and I immediately know what's coming next. I turn, ready to break into a sprint and run as fast as my legs can carry me away, but I'm too late.

With a snarl, an enraged Leah busts out of her skin and into a blur a grey fur. I am too close: I know this even before I feel the pressure of her massive body connecting with mine. My world goes black. Blacker than Jacob's hair, or his stunning eyes. The thought of them staring into mine with an unspoken promise is comforting as I lose consciousness.

* * *

 **A/N: Thank you all so much for taking the time to read this, I have more fics very similar to this story already posted and more to come if you like it. Thank you for catching me on my mistakes** **and your polite suggestions, I really appreciate it. Sorry this chapter's so short, but I promise to update very, very soon. Thanks again, lots of love,**

 **-Vanessa**


	5. Chapter 5: Ouch

**Renesmee P.O.V**

"Ness? Please, open your eyes. Please honey, give me something." Jacob's voice pleads.

It sounds so unnatural; Jacob is supposed to sound happy. Cheerful. I want to assure him that I'm okay to erase the worry from his tone. But if I open my mouth I may scream; the more conscious I become the more intense the pain in my back and chest becomes.

"Call Edward!" He yells and I moan in protest. I don't need my family overreacting.

I force my eyes halfway open to see Jacob, looking close to tears while barking orders at someone. I've never seen him so panicked. It's extremely unsettling.

"Edward's on his way." Seth announces from somewhere behind Jacob.

"Jake?" I murmur almost inaudibly. "Renesmee?" Jacob's eyes widen with relief when they meet mine. "I am so, so sorry Ness." He strokes my cheek lightly with his fingertips. Why is he sorry?

"Renesmee!" Dad is by my other side in what seems to be an instant, brushing hair out of my face. I don't question how he got here so quickly, I'm just glad to see him. His eyes are filled with worry, a hint of rage behind them. Rage for whom? I'm not sure.

"Daddy," spills from my mouth automatically, desperation evident in my voice. His eyes soften at the word; I haven't called him 'Daddy' in years.

"Daddy it hurts," I confess in a fearful whisper, tears involuntarily trickling down my cheeks. The faces of the two men hovering above me grimace; Dad wipes tears from my face.

"I know baby, I'm sorry. Carlisle will take care of you, we have to get you home." Dad's voice becomes urgent as he surveys my body. Whatever he sees scares him, which of course scares me. "Where does it hurt love?"

 _Everywhere_. "My back," I squeeze my eyes shut and search for Jacob's hand with mine, lacing my fingers through his when I find it.

Dad and Jacob look to each other, having an annoying silent conversation. Dad nods at something Jacob thinks and he stands. "I'm going to get Jake's car," he tells me, slightly calmer than before. "I'll be right back, okay?" I nod and he turns into a blur of motion as he runs.

Jake squeezes my hand and says, "I'm so sorry, Ness. I am so, so sorry."

"Why?" I demand. "It's not your fault, Jake. It's mine."

"No," his voice booms. "Don't say that. This is _not_ your fault. You could have died."

I close my eyes again, my head throbbing. "But I didn't. And if I did it would have been because of myself. Relax, Jake. I didn't die." I won't let him take the blame for this.

"You still might!" he explodes, flustered. "You're _covered_ in blood, Renesmee!"

 _Really_? Jacob's eyes widen with realization at what he said and he backtracks, thinking he must have scared me. "No, you're going to be fine. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that." I study his face in search of sincerity and find only worry. I can feel his fear, and I'm sure he can sense mine.

The hum of Jacob's car is approaching quickly, announcing Dad's return. Jacob lets go of my hand and moves into a crouch. "Ness, I'm going to have to pick you up, okay?" He looks wary as he studies my face for permission.

I nod and he gently puts an arm under the bend of my knees and the other supports my upper back. I squeeze my eyes closed and take in a sharp breath as he lifts, gently and slowly. The positioning is awkward because he's trying to keep my back straight and level.

He straightens out and I bite my lip to keep from screaming. "Okay?" he asks worriedly and I nod wordlessly.

Jacob beings to walk and I stifle a cry, my sharp teeth digging into my lower lip. Dad holds the back door open for us and I wrap my arms around Jake's neck and bury my face in his chest as he settles us into the back seat of the car.

Dad produces a blanket from Jake's trunk and tucks it around me. I didn't realize I was shivering, but I am.

Dad drives back like a true Cullen— unreasonably fast. Every bump he flies over causes me to yelp in pain and he apologizes profusely. The overwhelming smell of my own blood is making me nauseous. After five minutes my eyes begin to feel heavy; breathing becomes more difficult than it already is.

I let my eyes close and Dad barks," Keep her awake Jake."

Jacob rests his warm cheek against my cold, clammy forehead and murmurs, "We're almost there, Ness. You're almost home. Keep your eyes open. Stay awake for me, Nessie." He talks to me more but I tune him out, closing my eyes again. "No, Ness. You're all right; you're okay, baby. Stay awake for me."

I look up to him helplessly. Worry lines crease his beautiful face; I want to reach up and smooth them out with kisses. As cheesy as that sounds, that's all I want to do.

My eyes close again, this time involuntarily. Dad turns around in his seat, "Renesmee, stay with us. Five more minutes, love." I feel myself fading and there's nothing I can do to stop it. The last words I hear before I'm completely gone are from Jacob: "I love you."

* * *

They say that in threatening situations, humans have the "Fight or Flight" instinct. It's one or the other.

I had both. I _wanted_ to fight Leah, it was my first instinct, but the realistic portion of my brain knew that I couldn't stand against her. My second instinct was to run like a bat out of hell.

So, in all fairness to myself, I did _try_ to do the reasonable, sensible thing, and run. Sure, fleeing is a much less notable solution to fighting, but it's necessary when up against a gigantic canine.

But I didn't run fast enough, obviously. Leah phased and attacked me, promptly launching me into the air, maybe into a tree or big rock? Don't know; don't care. The point is that I _hurt._

I try to take a deep breath but pain and something wrapped tightly around my chest prevents me. "Renesmee, baby?" I hear Mom say softly and I notice she's holding my hand, gently stroking my arm with her fingertips. Dad's in the room too, I can tell. I keep my eyes closed, not ready to talk or listen to anyone just quite yet.

My mind feels cloudy and my head throbs. I flex my muscles and arch my back, trying to determine how hurt I really am. Not very, I decide.

"I would have to disagree," Dad's sharp voice startles me and my eyes fly open.

I'm blind for a millisecond while my eyes adjust to the bright morning light. "Sweetheart?" Mom says, her hand moving from mine to stroke my cheek

I'm in my bed at the big house, Mom and Dad it on either side of me. "How do you feel, love?" Dad presses anxiously. There's an IV in the back of my hand and I stare at it in puzzlement. "Your high temperature burned off the painkillers too quickly so Carlisle had to set up a drip." He explained and then added quickly when he saw my expression, "You'd hurt a lot more if it wasn't in, sweetheart."

I try to sit up but Dad pushes me gently back into the stack of pillows. "Not yet, Ness." He says at the same time Mom gently scolds, "Take it easy, Renesmee."

I sigh in irritation and glance at the clock on the wall. Holy shit, it's eleven A.M. I've been asleep for at least twelve hours; I'm not sure exactly what time we got home last night. Dad drove… Jacob held me while I fell asleep…

"Where's Jacob?" I ask in a hoarse voice as memories from last night hit me like a truck.

They share a look. "What?" I demand after a few beats; the silent, exclusive communication grating on my nerves.

"He was here all night, Ness. He only left an hour ago…" Mom assures me, missing my point. I don't mind that he left; I want to know that he's okay.

"He is, love. He had," Dad hesitates, " _pack_ matters to attend to. He'll be back soon, I'm sure."

"He was angry," I say and it's not a question but Dad nods anyway.

"He _is_ angry."

"At who?" I wonder aloud and Dad shrugs.

"Himself. And Leah. But mostly himself."

I shake my head. "It's not his fault." It's mine.

"It's certainly not yours, Renesmee." Dad says seriously.

I ignore that and ask, "Do _you_ blame him?"

"I did." He admits, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. "But I just needed someone to be upset with in the moment, and he was the only one present. I don't blame him any more than you do, sweetheart." Dad promises and I smile with relief.

Mom doesn't look convinced. "He shouldn't have let you go." She says more to herself than to me.

I snap at her anyway, "I begged him, Mom."

"He didn't want to." Dad defends Jacob. "And he only gave her twenty minutes, love."

"It's my fault this happened anyway," I tell her, "I pushed Leah too far. I knew better."

"Don't defend her, Renesmee." Mom hisses through clenched teeth. "Don't even say her name to me."

Tense silence takes up all of the space in the room. Mom almost looks like she's going to take back what she said but I change the subject. "What 'pack matters'?"

Dad takes a deep, unnecessary breath. "After the… _incident,_ Leah ran off. Once they got to you, Jacob told the pack to go after her." He pauses to gauge my reaction but I keep my face impassive. I nod encouragingly and he continues, "As you know, the pack's most absolute law is that an imprint can't be hurt by any pack member in any way, shape, or form. The fact that an _alpha's_ imprint was harmed by his _beta,_ " Dad shakes his head, "it's unpardonable and calls for dramatic action."

Panic strikes in my chest and my breathing quickens. "What does that mean?" Unshed tears blur my vision. "What are they going to do to her?"

" _Shhh_ , love. Take a deep breath." Dad instructs as he strokes my hair. "I don't think Jacob could hurt her, even as mad as he was. But she will be relieved of her pack duties."

Tears trickle down my cheeks. I can't believe it; I _ruined_ her life. I just took everything from her. Sure, she was a bitch. But was I? Maybe. And did she deserve to have her whole world torn away in an instant? No!

I'm crying and hyperventilating when Carlisle walks in. His smile is gentle as he sits beside my mom. He puts a gentle hand on my back. "Renesmee, darling. Relax. Are you in pain?" I am, but that's not why I'm crying so I shake my head no and wipe the tears from my face, still sniffling.

Mom glares at Dad. "I'm sorry, love." Dad apologizes. "I shouldn't have put that on you right now. I didn't mean to upset you."

Tears sting my eyes and stabbing pain shoots through my chest as I sob hysterically. "Renesmee," Carlisle says seriously. "Sweetie, take a deep breath. You're going to hurt your ribs more than they already are."

"I don't care!" I cry childishly, my voice breaking. "I ruined Leah's life!"

"No, baby. You didn't. She did this to herself." Mom tries to comfort me, rubbing circles on my back.

I didn't want to be comforted. I want someone to validate this guilty feeling eating away at my chest and let me take partial blame. No one here would. Neither would Jacob.

I wipe the tears from my cheeks and try to sit up all the way as I mumble, "Can I get out of here?"

Dad pushes me back down. "You're really hurt, Renesmee. Can you please attempt to comprehend that?" He snaps, pinching the bridge of his nose with his thumb and index finger.

"Fine," I pout, sniffling. "What's wrong with me then?"

"Well," Carlisle starts, eyeing me as if I'm going to make a run for it any second. "Four of your ribs are broken." He lightly touches different places on my chest as he speaks, "Here, here, here, and there."

He pauses, taking a deep breath. "What you probably feel right now is your back, right?" He asks with a grimace and I nod. "Leah did some significant damage when she phased," he sits on the bed. "Can you show me exactly how that happened? Do you remember?"

"I remember most of it." I assured him and lifted my hand without a needle in it to his face. I showed him everything that happened between Leah and I, omitting the horrible words exchanged.

He watches intently, a single frown line creasing his stone forehead by the time I'm done. "That's what I was thinking must have happened." He murmurs, taking my hand from his cheek but not letting it go. He holds it in both of his hands, giving me a little squeeze and a reassuring smile. "You're all bandaged up, my dear. I won't have to change them again until this evening. " He stands up but I pull on his hand.

"Wait. What's wrong with my back? Can I see it?"

Carlisle shoots Dad a look. Dad says quickly, "Not now sweetheart. It's wrapped up tight."

I bite my lip. "Is it bad?"

No one says anything. I'll take that as a yes. Mom opens her mouth to answer, but someone knocks on the door, saving her. "The masses are growing anxious." Esme's voice floats through the door.

"Let them in!" I call before anyone can object.

It takes 2.4 seconds before the room is full of my family. It's a blur of kisses and excitement for a few minutes. Alice immediately launches into the details of some trip to Milan she's planning. No one says anything about what happened. They barely acknowledge that I'm stuck in this bed and hooked up to an IV. Which I have to admit is nice.

Jacob never comes. I keep expecting him to but he doesn't I'm dying to know what he's thinking about all this and I need to know what happened to Leah. But an hour of being stuck in this fucking bed ticks by, and he doesn't show. My family comes and goes, doing their best to keep me entertained with stories and conversation. Carlisle goes back to work eventually, with strict orders that I don't leave this bed.

My parents never budge an inch from my side and hound me relentlessly, asking every five seconds how much pain I'm in. I tell them over and over that I'm fine, subtly trying to persuade my dad to take the needle in my hand out. It's so restricting and inconvenient.

Esme and Mom pass the time by shoving food and bags of blood in my face, which I politely reject each time.

By the time four o'clock rolls around with no word from Jake, my mind travels to the worst places.

What if he saw what happened in Leah's head and realized that she was right, and that he does deserve better?

No, the reasonable portion of my mind intercepts. Jacob loves me.

Leah's words bang against the inside of my skull. " _And you're going to make him stay frozen in time with you. Forever. You're never going to let him move forward, are you?"_

Guilt stabs my chest. She was right. How could I be so selfish? I thought it would be okay, and that he'd be okay. But what if I lose the ability to make Jacob _happy_? What if I already have?

The thought makes me nauseous. I'm never going to want anything more than him, but I also want him to have everything he desires. Those things, perhaps, are things that I cannot give him. Particularly children.

"Earth to Nessie." Alice says slowly, waving her manicured fingers in front of my face.

"Sorry, what?" I blink, staring at the faces in front of me.

"We're trying to convince your mom to come hunting with us," Rosalie explains, tossing her blonde hair over her shoulder. " And she's being the kind of stubborn only her spawn could compete with."

"Go, Mom." I encourage with false enthusiasm. "I'm fine."

"I don't know…" Mom bites her lip the same way I do and looks at Dad.

"Go, love." Dad says in the same tone I did. "I'll stay with her; it'll be fine. You haven't hunted in days."

"Okay," Mom agrees reluctantly. "A quick trip couldn't hurt." She smiles softly and I nod in encouragement.

"I'm worried about Jake." I blurt after a moment of silence.

"He'll be back soon, I'm sure." Esme offers with a smile.

Emmett mutters from somewhere in the house, "God knows he can't be away from you for more than ten minutes."

Mom, Rose, Alice and Esme leave after kisses goodbye and unnecessary promises not be too long. Leaving me and my dad and uncles to our own devices.

"Dad, can you take this thing out of me?" I gesture to the IV. "I'm fine. I heal fast. You know that." I do heal fast; not shape-shifter fast, but faster than a human. But with the overprotective fools I live with I've never had anything worse than a paper cut, besides this of course. I only know of my fast healing rate because Nahuel mentioned it. That's the only useful thing he did tell me before leaving.

"And I need to shower." I point out, picking a dry leaf from my hair to further prove my point.

"Alright." Dad surrenders, gently pulling the tape from the back of my hand. It doesn't hurt much, but I still look away when he pulls the needle out. "You do seem to be making an astounding recovery." He smirks sarcastically.

I ignore him, slowly trying to pull myself out of bed. But of course he can't let me to that on my own. He wraps an arm under my shoulders and does most of the lifting for me.

Dad sets me on my feet but holds most of my weight, keeping his hands under my arms. He lets me go gradually; ready to catch me if necessary.

Once I'm standing on my own, pain radiates all the way from the soles of my feet to the middle of my back. I squeeze my eyes shut. This is much worse than expected. "Carlisle said there may be nerve damage," Dad murmurs, more to himself than me.

I nod anyway, gripping his arm for support as I take a step. I gasp when pain shoots up to my spine. "Yeah, this isn't happening." I say through clenched teeth.

Emmett appears on my side opposite Dad and helps Dad get me back to bed. His hand is surprisingly gentle under my elbow, but when I whimper at the pain of climbing back into bed he curses and growls, "If Jake didn't kill Leah, I will."

I glare at him sharply. "Of course he didn't kill her."

"I dunno, Ness. Jake's got a pretty badass temper." Emmett argues playfully.

Having no energy to deal with him, I close my eyes. My shower expedition will have to wait until my mom and aunts get back. They'll help me.

Dad runs a hand through my hair absentmindedly, probably worrying. "Should I call Carlisle?" He asks and I shake my head. Stop being such a drama queen, Dad. Carlisle has more important things to do. I'll be fine.

"Okay." He agrees reluctantly. "Do you need anything, sweetheart?"

 _Jacob_ , I can't help but think first. "No, Dad. I'm okay." I give a reassuring smile that probably just looks cheesy.

"Yes, it does. Very cheesy." He agrees with a light chuckle. He finally looks relaxed.

That changes when the front door opens. I smell him before I hear him talking to Jasper. It's Jacob.


	6. Chapter 6: Pinky Promise

**Jacob P.O.V.**

I shouldn't have let her go.

I should not have let Ness go after Leah.

It might just have been the stupidest thing I've ever done. For more reasons than one. Because now my Nessie sits perched atop her fluffy white bed, her eyes bright and her smile wide when she sees me. But her posture is painfully impeccable, her entire body stiff with pain. Edward and Emmett stand on the right side of her bed, their eyes trained on her delicate frame. Edward is on edge, but more relaxed then the last time I saw him at least. The man was a mess.

My eyes lock with hers but I can't match the smile that she's forcing for me.

"Ness, I'm so—" I start to apologize for not being here but she cuts me off.

"Don't worry about it, Jake." Nessie says in her velvet voice, shrugging. "You really didn't miss much." She forces that gorgeous smile again, puffy red eyes contrasting noticeably with her porcelain skin. She's been crying.

"How are you?" I ask Ness I sit on the edge of her bed.

She looks terrible. Beautiful, but in a terrible, sad kind of way. There's a streak of dirt above her eyebrow and leaves in her hair. Dried blood coats the stray hair that frames her face. She looks unstable; if she burst into tears I wouldn't be shocked.

She's a mess, but she's my mess, and it hits me just how much I've missed her. And if Edward wasn't staring me down I'd probably hold her as tightly as possible and kiss her like I haven't seen her in weeks.

Her big brown eyes look exhausted and her brows knit together in a slightest wince. "I've been better." She murmurs, looking down. "What happened, Jake?" She looks up at me from under her thick eyelashes. "What's going on?"

I know what she wants to know, but I'm not sure I want to tell her. Renesmee isn't usually emotionally fragile but I don't know what could set her off right now. I don't want to dump too much on her at once. And I don't know what Edward and Bella already told her.

I tear my eyes away from Ness's to shoot Edward a look, hoping he'll give me some help. He says nothing but bends to kiss the top of Nessie's head and then looking at me he jerks his chin toward the door. I take the hint and follow him as he slips out of the room. I give Ness an apologetic shrug before I close the door behind me, her pink lips in a pouting frown.

"How is she really?" I ask Edward the second we're out the front door.

He squeezes his eyes shut the same way Ness does when she's stressed. "She's not much better than she was when you left. The only difference is now we have to worry about her hurting herself. She thinks she's fine." He rolls his eyes. "She was only worried about you and the pack."

But she heals fast. She could be getting better faster than we know.

"Maybe," is all he says, his tone bitter and doubting.

What did you tell her while I was gone?

"Just that you had pack things to take care of. She doesn't know about Leah."

Do you think we should tell her?

"I don't know. Earlier she was in hysterics just at the thought that she got Leah kicked out of the pack."

That was so like Renesmee. To feel horrible and blame herself over something that wasn't in her control. If I tell her what Leah did, it would kill her.

"You'll have to tell her eventually." Edward snaps, squeezing the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index finger.

"No shit, Eddie. I know I'll have to tell her, just help me figure out when."

"When what?" Bella appears by Edward's side, but walks past him when she sees me. She hugs me quickly demanding, "Everything okay with the pack Jake? Ness has been worried… You went in to see her right?"

"Yeah Bells, I saw Ness." I hug her back. _Edward, did you tell her about Leah?_ Out of the corner of my eye I see Edward shake his head the slightest. So I hesitate but decided to tell her, "Something bad happened, Bella. Something really bad."

She frowns. "Something worse than Leah almost killing my daughter?"

Edward and I share a look. I wince and say, "Depends in what way you look at it, but I think yes."

"Look at what?" Alice sings, skipping up behind Edward, Rosalie and Esme close behind.

I take a deep breath and try to just focus on Bella's familiar face. "Leah…It's Leah…"

"Spit it out, Jake. Please," Bella says desperately. "You're scaring me. What about Leah?"

I close my eyes for a second, pulling myself together enough to form the words. I didn't think it would be this hard.

"Leah killed herself."

* * *

 **Renesmee P.O.V.**

I have been dying to see Jacob; I have been _so_ worried. And he finally comes, and then he disappears with my dad. Seriously.

Whatever.

Emmett, Jasper and I sit cross-legged on my bed, playing poker. It was Emmett's idea, trying to distract me from pain.

"I fold." Jasper mutters and I say, "Me too."

Emmett slams his cards down with a booming laugh at the same time that the front door open.

The whole family minus Carlisle enters, unusually silent. No one makes a sound; I can only identify the people by their scents.

I look to Emmett and Jasper, who just shrug. Extremely helpful as usual, those two.

My aunts and Esme stay downstairs, I only hear Mom, Dad and Jake's feet walking at a human pace up the staircase. They file in, and I expect Mom to make a comment about the poker, but she doesn't.

They are mute, their faces unreadable. Tense silence fills the room, barely leaving space for the people in it. Dad gives my uncles a look.

Emmett and Jasper take the hint; or at least Jazz does and he leaves, pulling Emmett behind him.

That leaves me with my parents and Jake. Dad has his poker face on, which I suppose is better than Mom's sympathetic frown. Jake's face is the worst: completely blank. I have never seen him so impassive. But I can feel apprehension radiating off of him. Sadness too.

"What's up?" I ask for the sake of saying something.

"Listen sweetheart," Mom says softly as she takes Jasper's place on my bed. "Do you remember when I told you that nothing regarding Leah would ever, _ever_ be your fault?"

The blood drains from my face. "Tell me what happened."

Mom looks back at Jake, who steps forward in response. "Ness," he says my name slowly, as if he's savoring each letter. He sits on the bed, closer to me than Mom is, and he takes my hands in his. I'm not sure whose hands are trembling. His, I think.

He takes a deep breath. "Renesmee, there's something you should know." Panic rises is my chest. When was the last time he used my full name that way? "After Leah… did what she did, she ran. Seth was shocked and scared, and he ran after her, like most of the pack did. He found her back in her human form, at the cliffs. He phased to talk to her, but she was too upset and told him to get lost." Jacob pauses; tears well up in his eyes but he blinks them away. I hold my breath, not knowing what to expect.

Jake continues, no emotion in his voice. "They fought; he ended up leaving. Paul and Seth went after her a few hours later, and they found her body on the beach."

He stops to gauge my reaction. I don't get the big deal so I just stare, waiting for him to continue. But he doesn't. And then I think, _wait_.

 _Body_. They didn't find _her._ They found her _body_.

No. No. No. No. No.

Oh my god.

Leah's dead. She knew the pack wouldn't take her back after what she did, so she flung herself into the ocean.

Leah killed herself. She's really dead.

I'm not sure what to feel. I almost feel like I shouldn't be sad, because she hated me.

"Ness?" Jacob says frantically, his hands on my cheeks. His thumbs wipe away tears that I didn't know had fallen.

"Sweetheart it's not your fault. Please don't cry," Dad soothes, rubbing slow circles on my back.

It is my fault. It is completely my fault. I did this. I have no way to fix it.

How _could_ _she_ do this? How could she hurt her family and the pack this way? Seth and Sue… How could she leave them?

On the edge of hysteria, I cry harder and my injured body screams in protest. "Take a deep breath, love." Dad begs worriedly. "Everything is fine."

"It's okay, baby. You're okay." Mom joins Dad in his attempts to calm me down, and I can't help but snap.

"It's not okay!" I explode on them. "Someone is _dead_ because of me! Nothing will ever be okay again." My voice breaks at the end of the sentence. My parents look a little worried by my outburst, and I instantly feel guilty. They were just trying to help.

 _Dad_ , I think. _I'm sorry. But please, just… I need to be alone._

Dad nods understandingly. He kisses my forehead gently and wipes at the tears from the constant flow that seems to be running down my cheeks. Mom takes the hint and kisses my cheek on the other side before letting Dad pull her out of the room.

Jacob didn't leave; I didn't expect him to. Neither did Dad. Dad knew that when I said I need to be alone, that meant alone with Jake. He's not going to leave me like this. I need him.

I lie on my back and stare up at the ceiling; my eyes squeezed shut. Jake lies next to me, and I don't hesitate to roll over to put my head on his chest. His arm wraps around me and pulls me closer. My back pulses with pain and my eyes sting with fresh tears, but for a minute everything is peaceful.

"Why did she have to this?" The question falls from my lips before I can stop it, and tears are quick to follow.

"I don't know, Ness." Jacob sighs against my hair. "I really don't know, babe."

I take a deep, shaky breath. "Where's Seth?"

"With Sue, probably. He's devastated." Jake's voice kind of breaks and I tilt my head up in time to see a single tear trickle down his cheek. I wipe it away with my thumb, tears of my own falling steadily.

I sit up and cross my legs, ignoring the dull ache that my body protests with. "Are you okay?" I asked quietly, knowing he'll lie to me, the same way I would have lied to him.

He nods, as expected. "It's just hard." He sighs, rubbing his eyes with his palm. I take his hand and kiss the back of it.

Jacob loved Leah, I know, in a platonic way. He cared about her. He trusted her. She was his beta. And he misses her. He might even be feeling the same kind of guilt that I am.

He smiles at me softly and blinks away tears. I shake my head at him and cup his cheek in my hand. I lean in and kiss him softly, letting my lips melt into his. "You're allowed to be sad about this, Jake." I say after I've pulled away for air. "Don't shove it all down for my sake, please. I'm a mess anyway," I sniffle and a tear falls, as if on cue. "Okay?" I ask, wiping it away with the back of my hand.

"I'm not shoving it all down." Jacob promises, kissing my hand. "I just… I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel."

"Me neither," I confess. "I know she hated me, but I'm going to miss her."

"I hated her for the way she treated you, but I'm going to miss her."

We sat in silence for a while, Jacob's never leaving mine. I sniffled and asked him, "Is Seth going to be okay?"

Jacob's eyes shifted to something darker. "How could she do that to him?" Tears of rage threatened to spill over his black eyes. "How could she do that, knowing her little brother would find her?" He shook his head in utter confusion. "I think he'll be okay after a while. I don't know about Sue."

"When do you think I could go see them?" I asked him, trying keep my voice from breaking. Sue lives with Grandpa Charlie most of the time, but Seth and Leah stayed in their own house, so Sue went back and fourth. But I would imagine that now they'll all live with Grandpa. Seth only lived with Leah because she refused to move in with Charlie and he didn't want her to be alone.

Jacob considered my question for a moment. "I'm not sure. Let me go see how they're doing first, okay? Plus, I don't think your dad is going to let you leave this bed anytime soon. He said you couldn't walk?" Jacob tried to ask casually, but I could hear he concern in his exhausted voice.

"I'll be fine." I murmured, laying down beside Jacob again, resting my head on his chest. I mindlessly traced circles on his collarbone for a few minutes, listening to the thud of his heartbeat. He was close to sleep, but his eyes popped open suddenly.

"I should go, Nessie."

"Do you have to?"

"Well, I kind of just disappeared on the guys. But I can stay, if you need me to."

"No," I shook my head, feeling selfish for wanting to keep him here. "You're right, you should go."

Jacob got up off of my fluffy bed and stood on his feet, his hands on either side of my face. "I'll be back soon, okay? I love you." He pressed is lips to mine with an urgency I readily returned.

"I love you. Will you tell Seth and Sue how sorry I am, and that I want to see them soon?"

"Of course. You'll be okay?" He asked.

I nodded. "You'll be okay?" I repeated his question back to him and held out my pinky, "Promise?" He grinned and locked his pinky with mine. "Promise."

* * *

 **A/N: Thank you so much for reading this chapter, and thank you for following and reviewing. I know it's been a while and I'm sorry. Been super busy with school.**

 **I know that some of you will not like how this chapter went. I know, I know, some of you might hate me for this. But I felt that it was realistic. Tell me what you think.**


	7. Chapter 7: Hurt

Jacob didn't come back until later that evening, around the same time Carlisle came home from the hospital.

I was left to my own thoughts for a while after Jake left. In my personal reflecting, I cried a lot. More than probably necessary. I figured lots of shit out for myself, but I also cried a lot.

I decided that I need to forgive myself for what Leah did. Because at the end of the day, it was her choice. It was a choice that I would have done anything to prevent, but it wasn't in my control.

So how is it that I still feel responsible?

I also decided that I'm worried about myself. I'm scared that I'm not going to be okay. I'm afraid that I'm always going to be furious at myself for this.

Pain fuels my rage. Pointless rage. All rage is pointless rage. Even more so when it's against yourself.

Nevertheless, Dad said that he was proud of me for coming to those conclusions. Apparently, that "showed maturity."

Although I can't say I felt very mature after wasting an afternoon sobbing into my pillow.

I cried for Leah.

I cried for Jacob.

I cried for the pack.

I cried for Seth, and for Sue.

And when I couldn't possibly cry anymore is when Jacob came back.

He didn't say anything about the pack. I didn't ask.

He didn't say much of anything. He came in and took a seat beside my bed, wordlessly wrapping my hand in his.

Granddad took the bandages off of my chest and torso while my parents hovered nervously; Jacob just sat beside me, tracing circles on the back of my hand.

I don't remember what my father or grandfather said about the injuries; I only know of the unspoken conversation that Jacob and I had. His eyes told me that he was sad and afraid. Using my gift, I showed him that everything would be okay, and that I would be okay.

Walking is painful, but possible, unlike this morning. I'm healing even faster than Carlisle thought.

I decided that a shower absolutely had to happen; Granddad said some movement would be good for me.

After swallowing the two blue pills Dad put in my palm, Mom and Rose helped me to the bathroom across the hall.

A few minutes ago I told them that I was fine; that they could leave. They did, and so I've been sitting on the cold shower floor, letting lukewarm water trail down my spine.

When the water turns completely cold, I pull myself off of the cream-colored granite. Turn the water off. I step out o the shower slowly and pull a fluffy white towel from the cabinet under the sink.

Though I was avoiding it, I caught my reflection in he mirror and did a double take.

Christ, I look horrible. My eyes are red and puffy, contrasting prominently with the chalky paleness of my cheeks. I'm always pale, but not _this_ pale. I look and feel as if all life has been drained from me. I barely recognize the girl staring back at me.

And then, knowing I shouldn't, I turn around and twist my neck to see my backside in the mirror. I can't help the small gasp that escapes my lips.

Three gashes stretch across my back, the longest one trailing from my right shoulder to left hip. The other two sit on either side of that one and are a little shorter.

The kind of marks that can only be left by an oversized and forceful paw.

They're deep and angry looking, although obviously healing. Fresh, pink scars are starting to form at their corners. I'm pretty sure that if I looked long and hard enough, I would be able to see my torn flesh pulling itself back together.

I can't imagine what this looked like last night. And then I turn to the side, getting a good view of the deep purple-yellow color of the left side of my ribs.

Deciding I've seen enough, I pull on a bathrobe.

I make my way back to my room, where Jacob has crashed on the bed. I close the door softly behind me, not wanting to wake him.

I study his face for a moment: deep dark circles under his eyes and a ghostly paleness in his own cheeks. When was the last time he slept?

He snores obnoxiously and I smile softly to myself. God, I love him.

More than anything.

But he may need more than what I have to give. Again, Leah's voice echoes in my mind.

Pushing the thought away, I shift my focus from Jacob's face to the neatly folded pile of clothes on the corner of the bed. _Thank you, Alice._ I barely look at them before I turn toward the full-length mirror on the back of the door and begin to put them on.

I watch helplessly as the pale girl in the mirror struggles to dress herself.

Pink lace panties are all I succeed in before Jake appears behind me in the mirror. He stares, frozen, at the long gashes and bruises.

I turn around slowly. "It's not as bad as it looks, I swear."

He recovers quickly, closing the space between us as he steps forward and tucks a damp curl behind my ear. "Does it hurt?"

Because it does, very much, I start to nod my head yes. But I catch myself and shake my head once. Jacob frowns in annoyance.

I pull him closer to me and twist my fingers into his hair. I tilt my head upward and he tilts his down, letting me press my mouth to his.

His lips are gentle and soft and I instantly melt. We both pull away, neither interested in taking the innocent kiss any father. At the moment.

Our eyes stay connected for a few beats in silence. Not cold, uncomfortable silence. The warm kind; the kind that fills your whole chest and falsely makes you believe that the moment never has to end.

But standing quickly becomes painful, so I turn my attention back to the task at hand: The Great Clothing Expedition.

Jacob either notices my discomfort or the fact that I'm close to naked, and he grabs the clothes from where I threw them in frustration.

Holding up a grey t-shirt he asks with a smirk, "Do you require some assistance?"

"Yes," I half-smile back. "It would appear that I do, on account of that I can't really move all that well."

Jake eases the thin shirt over my head and somehow manages to get sweatpants on me. It was all I could do to keep from screaming or hitting him, but we did it.

Just as I was sitting on the bed, there was a quick rap on the door and Rose flit into the room. She frowned when she saw Jacob. "I came in to help you get dressed,"

Before Jake could say anything I said, "Thanks, Rose. I had it covered. But would you braid my hair, please?"

As I expected, this made her immediately happy and she smiled widely. "Of course, sweetheart."

She stands behind me and goes to work separating my tangled curls. Jacob stretches out next to me on the bed and asks, "What's everybody doing?"

"Bella and Edward are downstairs talking with Carlisle. Alice and Esme are distracting themselves with kitchen redecoration; Emmett and Jasper are watching some football game." Rosalie sighs, the conversation topic obviously boring her.

She ties off the long French braid and then adds as an afterthought, "Nobody really knows what to do with themselves."

"I know how they feel," I mutter, picking at my cuticles.

"You," Rose says, kissing the top of my head, "are supposed to stay right here and get some rest." She walks at human-pace to the door. "Anything else I can do for you, sweetie?"

"I don't think so, Rose. But thank you."

She flashes her perfect smile one last time, and then is gone.

I lie back on the bed and turn my head, finding myself nose-to-nose with Jacob. I quickly discover that lying on open wounds with only a t-shirt as protection hurts like hell, so I flip over to my stomach. Jake looks at me worriedly as if to ask if I'm okay, and I nod.

"It's almost ten," Jacob comments, playing with a strand of my hair. "You should get some sleep."

I lift my hand to his face, trace his dark circles with my index finger and I say, "You're one to talk. And besides, I've had plenty of sleep. But you, not so much."

"I didn't almost die, either." He says pointedly, and before I can shoot back a sarcastic comment he adds, "If I ask you if you're in pain, would you tell me the truth?"

I sigh and squeeze my eyes shut. "You don't need to worry, Jake."

"Of course I'm going to worry, Ness. Your lying doesn't help that." His words aren't sharp but I still get defensive.

"It's not really lying Jacob. I'm not hurting anybody."

He leans in and kisses me softly, diffusing the tension within me. "Please, just be honest with me, okay?"

I don't know what comes over me, but I suddenly feel the need to tell Jake everything. Everything that I worked hard to push away comes spilling out of my mouth like a waterfall.

"Okay, fine. I hurt, Jacob. Bad. My skin hurts and my muscles hurt and my head and my heart hurt. Everything about this hurts and I'm trying really hard to get over it but I've never had to do this before and I feel trapped." A single tear trails down my cheek and Jacob wipes it away and nods for me to continue. "I feel guilty and awful and it hurts to breathe. I've never had to move on from something so horrible and I need someone tell me how."

I finish with a shaky breath and Jacob is silent for a while, rubbing soft circles on my hand with his thumb. "I'm not sure I know," He says after a while, his voice low. "No one told me what to do, either. Ness, I don't think there's right or wrong way to move on. It just happens with time. All you can do is wait. I'm sorry I don't have an immediate solution, but I promise I'll wait it out with you."

I sniffle and half-smile at him. He lies back again and I rest my chin on his chest. "I'll wait it out with you, too."

"I love you,"

"I love you more," I lean in to kiss him, but I pull back when we here three short raps on the door. "Come in," I say, not even getting the words out before Dad opens the door.

Granddad follows shortly behind him. "Bandages," he says and I wince. " Last time, I promise."

Dad has a bag of donated blood in his left hand when he sits beside me. I wrinkle my nose and shake my head before he can even say anything.

"You have to eat something, love." Dad argues, a hint of irritation in his voice.

"I am aggressively not hungry," I inform him. He sighs but puts the bag away.

I stand and lift my shirt and Granddad goes to work wrapping gauze tightly around my middle. I squeeze my eyes shut and hold my breath while my ribs are being taped up. Jacob stands with me, keeping me upright while I squeeze his hand tightly and bite my lip until it bleeds.

"I'm done," Granddad announces and I can hear the relief in his voice. "You can breathe again, Renesmee." He jokes with a smile and adds, "At the rate your going you'll be out running around by this time nest week." I smile and he turns to Dad and Jacob and says, "She'll heal perfectly. Nothing to worry about."

"Bella wants to take her to the cottage," Dad says hesitantly, half-asking for permission.

Granddad nods. "That's fine, son. Although, maybe wait until morning. It's getting late."

Dad agrees and they both kiss my forehead and say goodnight, and to tell them if I need anything. I expect Dad to kick Jake out of my room, but he doesn't. He doesn't even make a comment about how many other beds there are in this house. He just shuts the door, leaving us alone.

Jake and I share a look. "Weird," we both agree, almost laughing.

"Are you going to stay?" I ask him, hoping the answer is yes.

He hesitates. "I want to."

"But should you?"

He lifts the blanket over us and gives me a long, lingering kiss. His mouth tastes like wintergreen toothpaste. He pulls away, resting his forehead against mine. "I don't think I care."

* * *

 **A/N: Yeah, kinda boring chapter, but it had to happen. Some time has to pass before more ****excitement can come, obviously. At least there's some cute Jake/Nessie stuff.**

 **thank you for reading and following and all of the other amazing stuff :)**


	8. Chapter 8: Regrets

_Four Days Later_

Are you supposed to go to the funeral of a girl who is dead because of you?

Yesterday, I would have said yes, of course.

And that is exactly how I responded when I was asked if I wanted to go.

But now I'm actually here, nervously squeezing Jacob's hand in mine, and I'm having some regrets.

Mom came, and Dad too. They sit in the front of the car; their pale fingers laced together and resting on the consol.

I peer out of the rain-streaked window as we arrive at the large, unfamiliar cemetery just outside of La Push. I'd only ever driven by this place.

Dad parks the car, unlocks the doors, but makes no move to leave. There's a beat of silence. The words erupt from my mouth, "What if they don't want me here?"

Jacob looks at me seriously. "Ness, you know everybody here. You know they love you. That hasn't changed. I promise."

"Yes sweetheart," Dad turns around in his seat to look at me. His golden eyes smile. "You made the right decision to come, and it will be good to see everyone."

"Look," Mom adds, pointing forward. "There's Charlie, Ness. He'll be thrilled to see you."

I follow her finger and see that she's right. Grandpa is here, his arm around Sue as he guides her up the hillside. I guess that shouldn't surprise me that he's here, but for some reason it does. I could hear the uncertainty in Mom's voice, too. When I think about it, I know he belongs here, it's just strange to comprehend that he's apart of this world.

Well, he's completely obliviously a part of it.

Jake unbuckles his seatbelt and then mine, and he gives my hand a gentle squeeze. "Okay?" he asks, and I nod once.

Mom and Dad are already out of the car, and Dad pulls open my door. He holds a hand out to me; I take a deep breath and accept it. I stand, wincing at the now familiar ache in my ribs and the sensation of fire burning its way down my back.

Dad raises his brows in question and I nod to him.

He purses his lips but drops it, turning away to walk with Mom.

Jake walks up from his side of the car and weaves his arm through mine. He kisses my temple before following my parents up the stony pathway. It's an uphill walk on an overgrown path to a flat, green plain precisely lined with the tombstones. Not a long walk, but I still have to stop halfway up.

The pain in my ribs makes it impossible to catch my breath, but Jacob stands with me patiently.

I try to apologize but he wouldn't have it, instead offering to carry me the rest of the way. I rolled my eyes at him with a grin and shook my head, and he held me closer, supporting some of my weight with an arm around my waist.

As we near the top, masses of people in dark clothing become visible, some holding tall black umbrellas. I glance down at my own clothing.

In black jeans, ballet flats and a navy blue sweater with a black coat, I seemed to meet the criteria. I'm suddenly glad that Alice dressed me. I didn't know if people actually wore black clothing to funerals or if that was just in movies and things.

More people are here than I expected, and I quickly recognize many faces. I see Quil holding Claire, who is wearing these bright red rain boots that make me smile when I see her.

My parents are over by Charlie and Sue, but the first person I come face-to-face with is Seth. His cheeks are pale and his hair is mussed. His eyes are puffy and red around the rims, like mine have been lately. He doesn't look like he's slept in days.

When he sees me his eyes fill with tears, and mine do too. I take a step toward him and Jacob lets me go. I close the space between Seth and I, wrapping my arms around his waist. His arms wrap around my neck and he buries his face in my hair.

I expect him to cry; for him to shake with sobs while I hold him. I think he might be expecting the same thing of me. But neither of us does, and so we just silently breathe in each other's familiar scents as we rock gently side to side, the way you do in a very long, tight hug.

By the time I let go there is a small amount of wetness on my cheeks, although I could have sworn I was all cried out.

Jacob hugs Seth tightly but briefly in the same empty silence as I did.

When Jacob's fingers lace through mine again Seth is guiding us toward his mother. Jacob embraces Sue immediately and she reciprocates, and I hear him murmur an apology into her hair. She shushes him, stroking his hair in a very maternal way.

Watching them feels like an intrusion, so I venture a little past them and find Charlie. "Grandpa," I call to him gently and he turns.

"Nessie!" he grins boldly and hugs me tightly. Too tightly. My wounded back screams in protest but I bite my tongue. "I wasn't sure if you guys would come," he says, looking over to where my parents are. "But I'm glad you did. Sue will be glad."

I smile and nod to him and it occurs to me that I have no idea what they told him about her death. He knows about wolves thanks to Jake, and he knows that Leah was one thanks to a slip-up from Seth years ago; but I don't know what they told him about her death.

"It's horrible, isn't it?" I ask him, hoping he'll provide more details.

"Oh yeah," he agrees, shaking his head sadly. "Leah was a good kid. I couldn't believe it was suicide. Sue has been really torn up about it." He sighs.

So the public story was suicide. I suppose that _is_ what it was, but it's hard to wrap my head around still.

I nodded in agreement before leaning in to say, "I'm going to say hi to Sue, I'll see you in a bit," and I kissed his cheek lightly before turning back to the where I left Jacob and Sue.

Before finding them I run into Sam and Emily. Both of them have tear-stained faces, and they both hug me and say how sorry they are, and they ask if I'm okay. I assure them that I am, and then change the subject because I can't be here and talk about myself. We're here for Leah.

I go through the same motions with Embry and Quil before getting back to where I left Jake and Sue.

They turned around simultaneously, and Sue smiles sadly at me. Immediately the fear of being unaccepted dissolves. "Oh Ness," she says, hugging me tightly as she did Jacob. "I'm so sorry, Sue," I whisper into her hair as my arms wrap around her small middle.

She pulls back and I see that there are tears trailing down her cheeks. She wipes away wetness from my own cheeks that I didn't know was there and she says, "Oh no, honey. I'm sorry. I am so sorry about what she did to you. I hope you can forgive her. Are you okay?"

"I'll be fine," I assured her, feeling relieved but guilty for managing to become the topic of conversation. "What about you? How are you doing?"

Sue wipes at her cheeks with the back of her hand and sighs. "I'm managing," she says, holding back tears as Seth puts an arm around her. Seeing the two of them struggle to keep each other together makes me feel horrible.

"You can always call me, okay? For anything. I mean it," I say softly, hugging her again.

She smiles genuinely and thanks me.

The next twenty minutes are bleak. The drizzle has turned to light rain by the time they lower Leah into the ground. Jacob and I stand hand-in-hand, watching in silence. Her casket is silver, the same shade as her fur was.

I turn and see Mom and Dad on the right of us, beside Charlie and Sue and Billy. Little Claire cries when Emily does, but I don't think she knew why.

Sue speaks about her daughter, and Seth finishes for her when she dissolves into tears. Billy says some words, and so does Sam. I don't listen. I try, but I can only see their mouths moving. I can't seem to make out the words.

All I can hear is the soft rain, Jacob's heartbeat, and a few gentle sobs. I don't cry anymore, and neither does Jacob. He doesn't do or say anything. I squeeze his hand occasionally to remind him that I'm here.

When Leah is safely covered in damp soil, the rain really starts. Many people begin to walk back down the grassy knoll, but some, like my parents, don't move from their spots and instead open umbrellas.

Jacob pulls me tighter against him, and I rest my head on his shoulder. Neither of us cares about the continuous assault of water that drenches our faces and hair.

Well, until I begin to shiver, and then Jake opens a blue umbrella that I didn't know he was holding.

My parents don't move until Sue and Seth do, and Charlie begins to wheel Billy through the rain. Sue puts on this brave smile like she didn't just bury her daughter and invites us all to come for lunch.

Billy accepts and looks to Jacob for agreement. Jake just shrugs and looks to me. I shoot my parents a look of desperation. _I'm sore and tired of socializing_. My father saves me. "It's been a long day for Ness, we should get her home." _Thank you, Daddy._

"Do you need me to stay with you?" Jacob asks in my ear. I press my fingertips to his face, and show him that I'm okay, and I encourage him to go with his dad. He should be with them right now.

He looks doubtful and asks me if I'm sure, so I force a reassuring smile and nod.

My parents and I robotically move through goodbyes, hugging each person as we had greeted them earlier. Before I step out from the shelter of Jacob's umbrella, he pulls me in for a quick, urgent kiss that lasted a beat longer than a kiss your parents are watching should last.

And then I took a step back to be pulled in between my parents; the three of us fitting under the ridiculously large umbrella that Dad held.

Mom and Dad held me securely between them; each of them had an arm wrapped around my waist.

But as we walked I strained my neck to see the group walking the opposite direction. Seth with his mom and Jacob holding his umbrella over Charlie and Billy. The sight made me smile. If I didn't feel that they were better off without me, I would have regretted not joining them.

Dad helped me into the car and demanded to know if I was in pain. I just nodded meekly. "How bad, sweetheart?" He asked, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. I knew he wanted a number.

"Seven," I told him, very aware of this method. He and Granddad both use it. They like me to give them a number out of ten. That's the kind of people they are: straightforward, exact number- kind of people.

Dad nodded and climbed into the driver's seat.

Mom got in on her side and turned to face me. "I couldn't believe you got him to agree to leave you."

I shrug. "He needed some family time."

She nods and smiles at me thoughtfully. "If you're feeling better later, we could take you to them," Mom suggests. "I'm sure they'll just be hanging out at Grandpa's."

"I don't know…" I trail off, looking out the window.

"What don't you know?" Mom asks. I suddenly feel annoyed. I don't need to justify myself to her.

"Nessie," Dad warns. He must have caught that last thought. "What's wrong, honey?"

I look at my hands and say in a barely audible voice, "I can't help but feel guilty when I'm around them."

The car is silent for a second.

"You know you have no reason to feel guilty. We've been over this, Renesmee." Mom's voice is patient and I can tell she's trying to be sensitive.

"I know," I tell her, picking at my cuticles. "And conceptually, I get it. I really do. But being there and seeing all of the people that loved her… All of the people that knew of her hatred for me… All of the people… who know that she killed herself because of something she did to me…" I trail off, not knowing where I'm going with that. I could go on forever, listing all of the reasons I feel horrible about this, but that wouldn't help anything. So I swallow my words and turn my attention back out the window.

The rest of the ride home is quiet.

When we pull into the small stone driveway of the cottage, it's raining hard. I let myself be guided inside of the house I know so well, and it's only a few seconds before my dad holds two blue pills out to me.

"Take these and then come get some lunch," he orders, pulling my coat off of my shoulders and hanging it in the closet.

I pop them into my mouth. "Thanks Dad, but I'm really not hungry. I just need to go lie down for a few,"

"You've barely eaten in the past few days," Dad argues and mom joins in, "You haven't hunted in almost a week, Renesmee."

"Granddad said I can't hunt for another week," I remind them. "And I'll make sure I eat later, I promise." Before they can protest I squeeze past them, kissing them both on the cheek before I walk to my room down the hall.

I plug my phone into its charger and set it on my nightstand. Mechanically I tug off my jeans, gritting my teeth against the sharp pain. After pulling off my sweater, I rummage around in my dresser until I find one of Jacob's hoodies.

It's grey and soft and smells like him; I don't hesitate to pull it on. Once I open my window so I can hear the rain, I climb into bed and pull the covers up over my head.

Alone, the heartache is overwhelming. Or maybe it's anger. Confusion?

I don't know anymore. I close my eyes; the pills begin to take effect.

 _I walk through a cemetery, a warm hand holding mine loosely. It's raining but there's no umbrella in my hand, so my hair is wet and plastered to the sides of my face._

" _Why are we here?" I hear myself ask Jacob, but he doesn't even turn to look at me._

 _For some reason I keep walking._

 _We stop finally, and Jacob pulls his hand away. I look down and see a silver casket._

 _Confused, I turn to Jacob, but he's gone. I look all around but the rain is coming down in sheets and I can't see more than ten feet in front of me. "Jacob?" I try to call loudly but no sound comes out._

 _I look down at my feet again but this time the coffin is open, and Leah is sitting up in it. Her face is bruised and bloated beyond recognition. She's filthy with dirt and blood and even more soaking wet than I am._

 _I scream._

 _Suddenly there's no coffin, and she's standing, unrealistically towering over me by feet instead of inches._

 _This isn't really Leah._

 _Despite her appearance, her voice rings strong and clear. "He doesn't love you. You aren't even the same species," The dead monster of a woman growls in my face. "_ _How can you love him knowing that he could be so much happier if he weren't trapped with you? That's all it is: he's stuck with you because of the imprint." She spits at me, blood spraying into my face. "That's it, and that's why you don't deserve him."_

 _I shake my head but can't seem to form words. She gets even closer. My feet are stuck, like they're in cement._

" _You can't give him anything," her cruel voice sings. "You say that you love him, yet you're forcing him to stay frozen with you forever."_

 _I squeeze my eyes shut, tying to block her out. "Forever," the voice repeats. "Forever." It keeps saying the word, the volume rising until she's shrieking at me. I feel a huge body slam into mine and—_

I jolt awake with a scream. In a cold sweat with tears streaming down my face, I curl into a ball and rock myself while I try to regain control of my breathing.

I try to pull myself together and look around the room. A storm rages on outside my open window.

I pull myself out of bed to close it and see an elegantly scrawled note on my desk.

 ** _Ness,_**

 ** _Mom and I are at the big house. We should be back by three. Call if you need anything and be sure to eat something. Pain pills are in your bathroom cabinet._**

 ** _Love you,_**

 ** _Dad_**

I read the note over and over, trying to hear my father's voice and let it calm me. It doesn't work.

I walk down the hall into the kitchen. The oven clock reads 2:04.

Okay, they'll be back in one hour. Can I wait that long? Maybe I should call—

No. No one needs to worry. I'm fine.

I grab the granite countertop to steady myself. Deep breaths. It was a dream. It was just a dream.

Only it wasn't. It was real.

Leah may have been cruel, but she had spoken the truth that I had refused to see.

He needs more than me. I don't deserve him. I can't do this.

I can't force him into this.

Jacob.

I love him more than anyone has ever loved anything.

I love him with a ferocity that I didn't know I possessed.

With an earth- shattering sob, I realize that this is why I have to let him go.

But Jacob thinks that he loves me—he's not going to just give up.

My eyes blur with tears and the cool granite edge of the counter crumbles between my fingers. I realize what I have to do. For Jacob.

I have to leave.

* * *

 **AN : **

**Okay guys, I think I'll be ending this story in a couple of chapters. Maybe the next one will be the last, I'm not sure.**

 **I want to get on with a new story idea I have, and I think I've gotten all I can out of this current one.**

 **But as always, thanks for reading and be sure to tell me what you think:)**


	9. Chapter 9: Like Father, Like Daughter

The rational portion of my brain tells that there's no way I can pull this off.

Someone will see something. Every move I make is tracked, or anticipated. Alice can't see me, but she can see the family reacting to something I might do.

Which is why I have to hurry.

I don't think at all. I just move.

Within twenty minutes I've thrown some clothes into a duffle bag, gathered my most recently made ID and passport, and purchased a plane ticket out of Seattle to the most obscure destination available in the next hour: Bordeaux.

I'll have to brush up on my French on the plane.

But the destination isn't important. As long as I get out. Every minute I stay here, the pounding inside of my skull gets stronger, like waves crashing against rocks, over and over. _He doesn't love you, Renesmee. He never did, he never will-_

During his eulogy, Seth had said that he would never again hear his sister's voice, and that it's one of the things he misses the most. So why then, can I hear her clear as crystal?

In a rush, I scrawl a note and leave it on the kitchen counter. Bag over my shoulder, car keys and credit card in hand, I'm out the door.

I just drive. I don't even have to put an effort into not thinking about this. The voice is too loud. _You're not even the same species!_

 _It's the imprint, that's it. That's why you don't deserve him._

 _Can you even give him a family?_

 _You're turning him into a fucking bloodsucker._

My hands clench around the steering wheel. It's impossible to think straight. Impossible to hear my phone ringing. Impossible to feel the throbbing pain in my spine and the sting of tears in my eyes.

I just drive.

* * *

 _Jacob_

"What do you mean she's gone?" I demand again, trembling.

"She's gone." Bella murmurs again, her voice lifeless. Edward sits beside her, his hand resting on top of hers reassuringly, and he thrusts a piece of paper at me.

No Cullen reacts as I take the paper from him, so I assume they've already seen it. "It's all she left," Edward sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. I immediately recognize Nessie's small, elegant writing.

 _Everyone_ —

 _I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry to do this. I know you're all going to be mad. I don't expect any of you to understand, but I had to get out. Please, just believe me on that._

 _I don't know when I'll be back, but I need this. I need some time. Please don't follow me. I'll check in at some point._

 _I love you all._

— _Nessie_

None of this makes any sense. My Ness. She wouldn't do this. She wouldn't just _leave._ I took a deep breath; folded the note in half. I wanted to throw up. "Why would she do this?"

The room of vampires was completely silent. No one had answers.

"The guilt was eating her alive," Jasper said quietly from his seat in the corner beside Alice.

"That's ridiculous," I tried to argue, "I must've told her a dozen times that this wasn't her fault."

Edward nodded. "I told her that too, Jazz. She knew—"

"I felt it," Jasper cut him off. There was a beat of silence.

"Did you call her?" I asked, for lack of any other helpful idea.

"Of course we called her." Rosalie snapped, not looking at me. Another silence.

"Alright," Emmett said, standing. "Who's going after her?"

"You know where she went?" I ask, irritated.

"Yes," Edward says. "She charged a plane ticket to her credit card. It wasn't hard to find out where to."

"Well, then what the hell are we waiting for?" I hear my voice rising. Seriously, why hasn't anyone gone after her? "Let's get this show on the road!"

"Now wait a second," Bella says, seeming coherent for the first time since I got here. "My daughter is not naïve. She knows perfectly well that we are capable of following her, which is why she asked us not to."

I just stared at her in disbelief. "Bella, are you suggesting that we _let_ her run away? Your daughter, who hasn't even been alive for a _decade_?"

"No, Jacob." She says through clenched teeth. "I am suggesting that instead of blindly chasing after her, we consider how she feels and what she is going through, and then make a decision accordingly."

She has to be joking. "Bella," I say slowly, keeping my voice calm the best I can. "Renesmee is alone, god-knows where, doing god-knows what, and you're not at all worried?"

"Of course I'm worried! I'm terrified!" She explodes, ripping her arm free from Edward's grasp. "But Jake—I've never seen her like this before. Jasper's right. Ness has been miserable. Maybe this is what she needs… Maybe we need to let her come home on her own…"

I desperately look to Edward for help. _You're with me on this, right?_

He nods the slightest bit, not looking at me, but at Bella. "Bella, love," he says gently, taking her hand. "There's too many possible outcomes; no one can guarantee her safety. It's best if we find her as soon as possible."

"This is normal," Alice cut in coolly, "we have to keep in mind that some aspects Renesmee's mind are still childlike. Most kids run away from home at one point or another."

"Renesmee is not _most kids_ ," Blondie snapped at her. " _Most kids_ would go hide out at a friend's house. Nessie's in _France_ , for fuck's sake!"

France? Shit. I was thinking like, Delaware or something. A thought suddenly occurs to me, and I don't know why I didn't use it to prove my point sooner. "She's hurt," I blurt. "She can't even hunt!"

Realization spreads across Bella's face. Defeated, she sighs. "Let's go get my baby."

"Wait," Carlisle speaks up for the first time. "Renesmee's not mentally stable. Jasper and Edward can testify to that. We cannot track and bombard her; she'll be upset and could do something drastic. We must approach this delicately."

"What do you suggest then, Dad?" Edward asked, sounding a little desperate. It was an unsettling thing to hear.

"Just one of us goes after her." Carlisle said simply, shrugging.

It's a good idea. "I'll go," I say, and Jasper shakes his head.

"Not a good idea, Jake. Most of her guilt is centered around you."

"What?" I say, puzzled. "Really?" Edward nods. "Why?"

"She didn't show you her conversation with Leah, did she?" Edward asks and I shake my head. He winces. "It was brutal, Jake. And it was about you."

Ness ran away because of _me._

Now I really want to throw up.

I want to ask for more details, but words spill from my mouth before I can stop them. "Edward, you need to go get her."

His brow furrows. He opens his mouth to ask but Bella beats him to it. "Why, Jake?"

"Because," I say, looking at Edward. "Edward did the same thing she did. They both left for similar reasons. He gets it more than anyone, right?" They both grimace but nod.

"He's right," Bella says in a small voice. She wraps her arms around him tightly and whispers, "Bring our daughter home, Edward."

"Wait," Rosalie interrupts, and I want to slap her. No more waiting! "She's going to be upset regardless. She asked for no one to follow her."

"Nah," Emmett shakes his head. "My niece is smart. If she wanted to disappear, she would have."

He's right. Ness made following her too easy; she wants help, but didn't know how to ask.

In the next twenty minutes, a plane ticket is bought and a bag is thrust into Edward's hands, along with a cell phone. "Keep us posted," Bella orders, pressing it into his palm. He promises he will, and he's gone. Vanishing into the cold air, just as quickly as his daughter.

* * *

 _Renesmee \- 12 hours later_

Off the plane, checked into the first hotel I saw—Grand Hôtel de Bordeaux.

I had turned my phone off back in Seattle; each ring was like a stab in my chest.

The cab driver from the airport spoke only French, but French was child's play. My father had taught it to me, after Spanish. But speaking the language didn't make the place feel any less foreign.

I had thought that by the time I got here I would better. More stable. But as a matter-of-fact, I have never felt _less_ stable.

The singeing pain of the wounds in my back is beginning to be unbearable from sitting still for so long, but it doesn't match up to Leah's voice, still echoing inside my head. It's loud and mean and redundant and it's driving me insane.

After getting rid of the overly friendly bellboy, I collapse into the huge, fluffy white bed _. What the fuck am I doing here?_ I flew for 13 hours to a strange city with only a duffel bag worth of clothes. No plan whatsoever.

But even now while my head is somewhat clearer, I can't think of a better solution. I needed to get out, for me, for Jacob; and so that's what I did.

But when do I go back? Oh god, I didn't think any of this through.

So, I decide upon an obvious solution for anyone in my position. I take a nap.

I bury myself in the blankets, kicking off my shoes. I'm almost asleep when there's two sharp knocks at the door _. No, no, no._ I knew they would come find me, but I thought they'd give me more time than this. What if Jacob came? What if they _all_ came? That wouldn't surprise me.

"Ménagère!" A feminine voice comes from the other side of the door and relief floods over me. It's just housekeeping.

I pull myself out of bed and open the door to get rid of the woman on the other side.

There _is_ a woman standing there, but several feet behind her is my father.

I stare at him in disbelief, expecting the entire Cullen clan to skip around the corner any second. I inhale deeply, as I should have done before I opened the door, and I smell only him.

He slides past the housekeeper, says, "Merci," and pushes a 100 Euro bill into her palm. She smiles and shuffles down the hallway.

Dad closes the door behind him and I turn on my heel, heading back to the bed. He says nothing, sitting down beside me.

"France, Ness?" He finally says, breaking a smile. "You couldn't have just had me chase you to like, Montana?"

"I wanted to practice my French."

He smirked and nodded.

"Isn't this the part where you lecture me?" I ask, tonelessly.

"Do I need to?" He asks, running a hand through his hair.

"No."

"Renesmee," Dad says, suddenly serious, as he puts a gentle hand on my bent knee. I stare at it, not wanting to meet his eyes. "Renesmee," he repeats, putting his other hand under my chin and lifting my face. "Why, _why,_ did you leave like that?"

His voice is not angry like I would have expected, not disappointed. Just curious. So, I decide to be honest. I offer him my hand and he takes it, not hesitating pressing it to his face. I show him the dream.

Dad watches, unreactive until it's over. He holds my hand in both of his. "Ness, that's—"

"No, Dad," I cut him off. "Don't tell me how ridiculous that is. Even in a twisted dream, Leah was right. She—"

"No, Renesmee. She wasn't right. She was cynical and unhappy. She was like that before you were born."

"That doesn't mean she was wrong." I snap. Then in barely a whisper I said, "Dad, I love him." I didn't need to say who I was talking about.

"I know."

"And because I love him, I want him to have more than what I can give him."

He shook his head in disbelief. "Every minute that you're away from Jacob is killing him. All he wants is for you to come home."

"He wants a family, he wants someone to grow old with him."

"He wants _you_."

"He thinks he wants me." I retort, "It's just—"

"Don't say it's just the imprint, Ness." Dad sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"But it is."

"Ness, I… No it's not. But that's Jacob's part of the argument, not mine." He puts his cold hands on my shoulders. "Sweetheart, you can't let false culpability overwhelm you like this. I love you so much, and I mean only the best when I say this: You need to move on. You need to realize that it's okay to not be okay. You cannot sacrifice your happiness for misplaced guilt. I've made that mistake, and I won't let you."

There's a few beats of silence as he lets this sink in. I know that he's right, because he's always right, but I can't believe him. Not completely.

"That's okay," Dad interrupts my thoughts. "Just believe me as much as you can, and let's go home."

"Dad—"

"Renesmee Carlie Cullen, I'm getting you on the next plane out of here one way or another."

 _"Dad,"_ I say with a sigh, getting his attention. "I'll go. But not right this second. I hurt and I'm exhausted, I already paid for this room, and I'm sure the masses are all huddled around the kitchen table, where they have placed all of the cell phones as they anxiously await your phone call." He chuckles and nods in agreement. "Besides," I add, "the next flight out of here isn't until early tomorrow morning. So go make your calls, and I'll take a nap."

A few beats of silence pass as I sink into the bed, laying my head on my father's chest. "I'm sorry that I made you come all the way here," I murmur.

"It was my job to." He says simply.

"Because you're my dad?"

"Yes, but also because I was you. I too was once convinced that the only way to protect the person I loved was to run away."

"Really? When?"

"That's another story for another time, my love." He kisses my temple. "Get some rest. I'll take care of everything."

"I love you, daddy."

"I love you too, sweetheart."

He gets up and walks to the small wooden desk in the corner, taking out his phone. He types rapidly and then presses the device to his ear.

He looks at me smirks to himself and I roll my eyes. "What?" I demand, half-asleep.

"You knew when the next flight home was."

"Oh, shut up."

* * *

 **A/N:**

 **Thanks a bunch for reading, and a special thanks to** _ **lytebrytehybrid88**_ **, because she left me an amazing comment, which inspired the parental wisdom of this chapter, and then she was nice enough to let me use some of her words. So go check her out!**

 **The next chapter, I think, is going to be the last. Maybe.**

 **Lots of love,**

 **Vanessa**


	10. Chapter 10: Proof

"Stop that," Dad murmurs in my ear. He nods toward the man on the other side of me. "You're driving him crazy."

I stopped bouncing my knee and smiled apologetically at the middle-aged man on my left. He had salt-and-pepper hair and purple bags under his dark green eyes.

I mouthed an apology and he gave me a tight-lipped smile and went back to reading his book.

I opened my own book and attempted to read (again) and after reading the same sentence seven times, I closed the book and shoved it into my bag (again).

"Relax," Dad said, putting a hand on my knee when it started bouncing again.

I can't relax. We're going to land in an hour, and then we have to go home, where I am going to be bombarded with questions and concerns and I would rather just not.

Dad rolls his eyes. "You'll be fine."

Is Jacob angry?

"No sweetheart. He's worried, is all. "

I took a deep breath. I don't deserve his worry. If Jacob decided that he doesn't want me, then I'd put a smile on my face and tell him that I just want him to be happy. That would destroy me, I'm sure. But it would be the truth, and I would accept it.

For the hundredth time on this plane, I practice what I'm going to say to Jacob when I see him. I'm going to say that I will always love him, but there are things that I can't give him, so I won't blame him if he wants to find someone else.

That doesn't sound too dumb, right? Cliché? Whatever.

My back throbs and aches from sitting for so long. Dad looked at it back at the hotel and said the gashes were almost scars. It still hurts. I turn to my father but before I can ask, he holds out two white pills. I thank him and swallow them gratefully.

Then I jam headphones into my ears and turn up the volume as loud as it can go. So loud I can barely register what's playing (Lana Del Rey).

I squeeze my eyes shut and pretend to be somewhere else; somewhere where everything isn't so complicated.

Fifty-three minutes and four aspirins later, we land with a heart-lurching skid. Dad's Volvo is in short-term parking (Dad says my uncles brought my car home) and we had only carry-ons, so we're out of there quick.  
Safely in the front seat of Dad's car, I blast the heater on high and settle in for the drive. Again, I go through the list of things I need to say to Jake.

"Stop that," Dad's voice interrupts my thoughts.

"Get out of my head." I say through my teeth.

"Really Ness; it's not necessary.

"Yes it is. I am going to have a talk with Jacob and I am going to be ready."

"Stop stressing yourself out. You're anxiety is making _me_ nervous."

"Then _get out of my head._ "

The rest of the drive is pleasantly silent.  
We get closer and closer to home and I'm feeling sort of okay about the whole situation, until Dad drives past the usual turn. "Uh, Dad?" What gives?

"We're going to the big house." He says nonchalantly.

"Dad, I really don't want to deal with everyone—"

"Nobody's home. Just Mom and Jake."

"Oh." My stomach twists. They all cleared out on behalf of my melodrama?

Mom comes out of the front door when we pull up. I'm barely out of the car when she tackles me, hugging her against me tightly. "Oh my baby," she holds my face in between her hands and looks me up and down. "Are you okay? Do you hurt?" I shake my head, and when she seems satisfied that I'm okay, she hugs me again and then her face shifts to anger. "Renesmee Carlie Cullen, what were you thinking?! You disappeared, only leaving us a note, not to mention you were hurt! You scared us half to death!"

"I'm sorry, Mom," I said, and I was.

She kept going off on me, and I looked to Dad for help. He was grabbing my bag from the trunk and gave me a look that said I was on my own.

"Mom," I interrupted her, putting my hands on her shoulders. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I'll never do it again."

Her face turned back to concern and she nodded, hugging me again. By the time we separate, Dad's inside, and I hear him and Jacob speaking in low voices.

I walk up the stone pathway and enter the threshold of the familiar house. There's a new vase of yellow roses on the mahogany table by the door, but other than that, the house is exactly how I left it.

I hear his voice, and I walk into the kitchen. He's there with my father, leaning on the granite counter. The sight of him relaxes me instantly.

His hair is standing up all over the place and there are deep purple circles under his eyes, and he's wearing the same pants he was in at the funeral.

He straightens when he sees me. And for a second we just stare at each other. As his eyes bore into mine, an overwhelming urge to run into his arms and kiss him came over me. I wanted to tell him that I love him, and that I'm sorry that I left and that I take it all back, but all I say is hi.

"Hey," he responds with a wary frown. My parents stand together behind him, eyes wide and full of amusement, like old women watching a soap opera. I remember my overtly rehearsed speech and clear my throat loudly. Dad gets the hint and backs out of the room, towing Mom with him.

I wait for the front door to close before I jerk my head towards the living room. I turn on my heel, knowing Jake will follow. He does, and we robotically sit on the white suede couches positioned on either side of the glass coffee table that I once tripped over. There's a little crack in the corner. Don't walk while reading.

Jacob breaks the silence first. "You were gone for two days and all I get is a "hi"? Like everything is fine?" His voice is almost angry, definitely irritated.

He opens his mouth to continue, but I cut him off. "I'm sorry," I squeeze my eyes shut for a second. "Jake, we need to talk."

He nods, his face grim. "Yeah, we do. Ness, you need to trust me enough to tell me how you feel. Do you have any idea how worried I was? How awful I felt to find out that you left because of me? You did leave because of me, right?"

"No, Jacob." I look down to my lap and consider my words very carefully. "I left because of me."

His eyes soften and confusion fills them. "What are you talking about? Please, help me understand,"

I lean scoot forward so my butt is on the edge of the couch, and I sit on my hands so he doesn't see that they're shaking. He does, of course, but he says nothing.

I take a deep breath and look away from his worried, loving eyes so that I can focus. "Jacob, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I realized that… I don't deserve you. I think that you need to really think about what you want, because there are things that I can't give you—"

"Renesmee," He cuts me off. His brows knit together, and I watch his face go from confused to angry. He holds a hand out towards me suddenly and it's trembling just the slightest. "Show me what Leah said to you that day." It's not a request, it's a command, and I'm hesitant to oblige.

"That doesn't matter,"

"Ness," He softens, "please?"

I pull my own shaking hand out from under my thigh and put it in his. My fingers are pale and cold but intertwine perfectly with his strong, warm ones. Our hands rest on the table between us as I show him, and I don't hold back. I plan to, but letting everything out feels so amazing I can't reign myself in on time.

By the time it's over, I've watched him go from worried, to understanding; and now, livid. Absolutely furious.

He waits until it's over and then he let's go of my hand and stands up. I stay where I am, prepared for his reaction. He seems at a loss for words at first, and then he explodes, all of his thoughts erupting out of his mouth as they come into his head. "I can't believe that she would— She really said all of that? Of course she did—Why didn't I— And she never told me _any_ of that! I knew she was a bitch, but—How— How could she do that?" I've never heard him yell so loud; a purple vein stands out on his forehead.

And as if Jacob suddenly remembers that I'm sitting here, he looks at me and his entire composition changes. His anger melts away and he falls to his knees in front of me, as if he's in physical pain. "I am so sorry. Every word she says was complete and utter bullshit, Ness. You have to realize that."

I take his face in between my small hands and shake my head softly. "Maybe not," I say softly, and he tears himself away from me.

"Come on," he says, walking to the front door. He jerks it open with one hand and gestures me forward with the other one.

"No, Jacob. We need to talk about this. Now."

"We will, now hurry up so we can catch the sunset."

"Jake—"

He comes back over to me and takes my hand. "Trust me." He says, and I do. I let him pull me out the front door.

We run through the woods, hand-in-hand, laughing and stumbling like little kids. The sun is halfway gone by the time we reach our spot, our special spot for watching the sunset. Right where the forest turns into rock that overlooks the ocean.

We settle in between two jagged boulders that leave just enough space for both of us while blocking the cold wind. Our spot.

The sun is gone before either of us says anything.

"Jake?" I finally murmur, knowing I have to ruin the moment.

"Hmm?" He hums casually, as if nothing ever happened.

"Leah wasn't completely wrong. You can't deny that."

He barks a short, bitter laugh. "She was absolutely wrong."

"There are things that I can't give you."

"I don't want them."

I turn my head to look at him; he stares into the ocean. "You don't have to pretend that you'll always be perfectly content with me, Jacob. I won't blame you if you're not, but you need to tell me now. I can handle it now, but I can't promise that I can in ten years."

Jacob smirks and then he _laughs._

I slap the back of his head. "Why are you _laughing_ at me?!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he says, rubbing his head. "I just can't believe that we're having this conversation right now. I'm totally in shock that you don't know how much I love you. That you could think for a second that you don't mean the world to me. Or that you're not all I'm ever going to need."

"Jacob—"

"Let me finish. You're my imprint, but never, _ever_ think that that's the only reason I love you." He lifts my chin so I have to meet his eyes. "I love you because you're smart, and kind, and the most genuine person I know. I love you for the face you make when you're playing the piano, and the one you make when you read. I love the way you are with my dad. I love you for the way you brush your teeth in the shower, and the way you look at me when you want me to kiss you."

I blush and his face lights up. "And I can't forget that right there." He kisses both of my cheeks, which I didn't realize had tears running down them. "I fall in love with you all over again with every blush, every laugh, and every sarcastic comment."

I laugh and wipe tears away. I want him to understand how much his words mean to me, so I do thing I do best. The thing that can do what words could never. I show him.

I put both of my hands on either side of his face and he puts his on top because he understands, and I show him everything. Every thought, every emotion, everything he's ever made me feel. Everything he means to me. My Jacob.

By the time I finish, it's dark and we're both crying. I throw myself into him and his arms wrap around me like they have a hundred times before. I crush my mouth to his and tell him that I love him.

He breaks away at some point, chuckling softly. "You know, I had a secret weapon incase I couldn't get you to believe me."

I look up at him. "What was it?"

He smirks and pulls a little velvet box out of his pocket.

"Jacob! Seriously? You were _not_ going to _."_

"No," he said, putting it back in his pocket. "I wasn't. Like your dad wouldn't have _murdered_ me. It was just proof."

"Proof?"

"Yeah, proof to you that I'm in this for the long haul. That I'm not going anywhere, ever."

"A ring proves that?"

"Not just any ring. My mother's ring."

"Jacob, that's unbelievable. I can't wait." I lean up and press my lips to his. "But, my love, that still doesn't really prove anything."

"Well," he sighs, kissing my hair, "if I needed to, I would have taken it out of the box and had you try it on."

"And?" I asked, still not getting it.

"And, my love," he says, holding me tighter against him. "You would have discovered that it's already been sized to your finger."

 _The End_

* * *

 **A/N:**

 **Well guys, there you have it. The last chapter of You & I. **

**I really hope you liked the ending, I put a lot of thought into how to end this.**

 **Thank you so much to those of you who have read every chapter and given me feedback; it means the world to me.**

 **Check back for more Jacob/Nessie stories, I hope to have at least another one-shot up by this weekend, and another long story very soon!**

 **Thanks again,**

 **lots of love and Happy Holidays!**

 **-Vanessa**


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